OK, UK, you’ve had your fun – now Dad’s here to drive you home

The (Tory) party’s over, Keir Starmer appeared to be saying in his conference speech – so wipe that glitter off your shoulder, put your seatbelt on and let me drive you (at a very sensible 20mph) into a chaos-free Labour future, writes Tom Peck

Was the glittering of Keir Starmer the work of some kind of climate activist – or a bit of ambush marketing for hobbycraft? (PA)

Bass drum beats shook the room. Two thousand people whooped and cheered. A giant screen, at least 100ft-wide, cut between shots of the stage lights and those stirring over-the-shoulder pictures of the hero, walking with solemn purpose. It was an entrance in full World Wrestling Entertainment style.

And then, over the sound of rockstar thunder, out strode, at long last, Britain’s appropriate boyfriend.

He was here to say: come on – you’ve made your mistakes, you’ve had your fun, you’ve got your wild stories, your oven-ready deals and your £350m a week for the NHS. No one can take them away from you. But now it’s time to get real. Time to settle down.