The Cambridges’ royal tour is an outdated and increasingly desperate charade

Kate and Wills landed with a remit to persuade the locals that the House of Windsor still has a role to play, albeit symbolic, in the governance of their nation in the 2020s. A tough sell, to be fair

No duchess, no cry, I suppose (PA)

There’s a slight air of desperation about the royal visit to Jamaica. After Barbados’s decision to leave the Commonwealth and move to having a Barbadian head of state, emergency measures were needed, lest the bacillus of republicanism infect the Queen’s surviving realms beyond the seas.

So, the House of Windsor dispatched their most glamorous (I know, everything is relative) team to the Caribbean, where a goodly clutch of smaller nations still persist with the anachronism of a head of state living in Britain who is, these days, sadly unable to visit, much as she would wish to.

Kate and Wills landed with a remit to charm the locals and persuade them that the House of Windsor still has a role to play, albeit symbolic, in the governance of their nation in the 2020s. A tough sell, to be fair.

It’s safe to say it’s been a bit of a flop so far. It started badly, with their first engagement in Belize (formerly luxuriating in the oxymoronic title of British Honduras) cancelled because of protests, and things have got worse in Jamaica. There were some cringeworthy photo ops that made the Duke and Duchess look very much like the epitome of imperialism, trying to shake hands with kiddies who, behind a steel fence, looked like they were in Guantanamo, and a truly gruesome appearance next to a statue of Bob Marley, blissfully unaware of the juxtaposition between what he stood for and what they stand for, down in Trench Town.

"In desolate places we’ll find our bread / And everyone see what’s taking place / Whoa-yo, another page in history."

No duchess, no cry, I suppose.

Somehow, Kate hasn’t quite got the knack of the regal radiant smile, so instead she was displaying the sort of grimace-grin that is often associated with the psychopath. It was all rounded off with the Jamaican prime minister, Andrew Holness, officially welcoming them with a message that his country is "moving on… to fulfil our true ambitions and destiny as an independent, developed, prosperous country.”

He might as well have told them they needn’t have bothered. Prince William’s remarks about slavery, no doubt cleared with the Foreign Office, weren’t apologetic enough for some – not his fault, but not sufficient to expunge the historic shame and humiliation.

The problem with these sorts of royal visits is that they’re a bit of a cliche. Years ago, when Prince Charles was the future of the monarchy (we may as well face up the fact that, at 74 this year, his reign will be relatively brief), he used to turn up in exotic corners of the world that once formed part of the greatest empire ever seen and goof around with his mum’s subjects.

He’d be getting a kiss on the beach from a bikini-clad beauty, or awkwardly joining in with some tribal traditions and a bit of princely dad dancing. The whole point was to be good-natured and the poor quality of his moves were a sort of gesture of humility. This sort of larkery was the next logical step from the "informal walkabout" pioneered by the Queen on a visit to Australia in 1970, and the then-most eligible bachelor in the world was well up for it.

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However, he wisely followed in the great family tradition of wearing sunglasses whenever there was any display of bare-breasted traditions, the better to disguise lines of sight and acute embarrassment, and the Prince of Wales stayed socially distanced from any unrestrained boobs.

All the Cambridges are doing is following the usual template, set by Charles, and it’s not their fault that the whole charade looks, and is, patronising to those they’re visiting, notwithstanding the sometimes hyperventilated greetings they receive from the crowds. They get those in America too, and that’s simply because they are global celebrities. They are receiving the same attention as, say, Madonna or Lionel Messi might, if they turned up in some poor township.

It isn’t, and should not be taken to be, a kind of referendum on whether Jamaicans want to keep the institution of monarchy, just as the fans in New York don’t want a hereditary monarchy back.

It’s possible, by the way, that Harry and Meghan might have made a better job of it, as they seem a bit less buttoned up than the Cambridges, but seeing as they’ve opted out of the game, they’re no longer available – which is a pity.

Anyway, next stop the Bahamas, a once dusty, neglected and impoverished crown colony that the British thought so little of that they sent the disgraced and party-loving Duke of Windsor there during the war to keep him as far away from his German friends as possible, and treat him to some light punishment. Wills and Kate shouldn’t find him too difficult an act to follow.