Jesy Nelson was right to end her toxic friendship with Little Mix

When the group were belting out their 2016 break-up anthem ‘Shout Out To My Ex’, I bet they weren’t counting on it being quite so prescient

At primary school, many of us will remember the visceral pain of being told, “I’m not friends with you anymore” by your best friend of only the day before. Or, watching your mate skip off hand-in-hand with another friend who’s been chosen over you. Beyond the volatility of playground politics, friendship break-ups remain an absolute killer.

Have a bit of compassion for erstwhile girl band Little Mix, then, whose estrangement from ex-bandmate Jesy Nelson continues to be played out in the tabloids.

When the group were belting out their 2016 break-up anthem “Shout Out To My Ex”, I bet they weren’t counting on it being quite so prescient about the rupture of their own friendships. Nelson left the group back in 2020, citing struggles with mental health and body image triggered by persistent trolling about her appearance and unflattering comparisons with the rest of the group. And Nelson took some stick – enough stick, in fact, to fill the hour-long BBC documentary Odd One Out in 2019.

It didn’t end there, though. Her solo career seemed to hit the skids before it had even started. Her debut single, “Boyz”, was overshadowed by allegations of blackfishing and a promotional video featuring Nelson and Nicki Minaj ignited an ignoble feud with former bandmate Leigh-Anne Pinnock, after Nelson appeared to laugh at Minaj calling Pinnock “a clown”. It was a sad and undignified end to a group that always seemed to showcase genuine affection between its members.

Now, Nelson’s released a new single and its sound and aesthetic is a world away from the “Boyz” disaster that saw her parting ways with her record company Polydor. However much Nelson tries to reinvent herself, she’ll always be remembered for being the one who fell out with Little Mix. She hasn’t spoken to her former bandmates for two years, she has revealed. She stands by her decision to leave the band – she had to protect her own health and wellbeing, after all – but Nelson’s public breakup with her friends serves as a cautionary tale to the rest of us.

Women, in particular, are taught conflicting understandings of friendship. We learn that best friends are forever but, at the same time, we’re taught that women are in competition with each other and that jealousy among women is rife. These myths about women’s friendships are debilitating and can prevent women from forming connections and communities with each other that can bring about real social change. There’s power, rather than pain, in groups of women together, so it’s a shame that we witness such a gleeful, hand-rubbing response to the break-up of women’s friendships.

And friendship breakups can be devastating – more so than romantic ones, in my experience. I mean, romantic breakups are normalised. We expect them. We’re taught to prepare for them. We don’t teach our kids that they’ll maintain a life-long connection to the very first person they snog at the school disco. Yet, we don’t do the same for friendships.

Instead, films, literature and popular culture teach us about the hallowed status of “best friends”. Those loyal people who’ll see us through life, doggedly by our side no matter what life throws at us. It’s a nice thought but is it always realistic?

Isn’t it sensible to break up from friendships that are – or have become – damaging? It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. It doesn’t have to be acrimonious. But sometimes it’s better for everyone to say goodbye. In the case of Nelson and her Little Mix bandmates, it shows how much we revel in the fracturing of women’s friendships but also that the notion of a “healthy” break up of a friendship is so alien to us that we have to vilify one of the parties.

Ultimately, Nelson found that being in a girl band and being constantly compared unfavourably to the other members proved damaging for her – and she left. Like many of us when we change jobs, Nelson’s fallen out of touch with her former friends and workmates. That doesn’t have to mean that they hate each other or that they’ll never speak again, it just means that friendships are dynamic not static and stable – they shift and change over time.

Maybe we should accept and learn about friendship break-up etiquette: moving on without falling out?

For a band who sang so many feminist anthems and promoted women’s solidarity – and who appealed mainly to young girls – it’s sad to see the bones of their friendship picked over with such apparent delight.

Still, it’s an opportunity to speak to girls about the importance of friendships – and of letting them go kindly and respectfully if it ever proves necessary.