Jeremy Corbyn's big speech: what he said – and what he really meant

Our chief political commentator imagines the internal monologue in the Labour leader’s head as he delivered his address to the party’s annual conference in Liverpool

What Jeremy Corbyn said: Our money comes from hundreds of thousands of people across our country who believe in what we stand for. So I don’t have to play tennis with an oligarch to keep the organisation running.

And what he really meant: I don’t like tennis.

What he said: It turns out that the billionaires who own the bulk of the British press don’t like us one little bit ... But here, a free press has far too often meant the freedom to spread lies and half-truths, and to smear the powerless, not take on the powerful.

What he meant: I’m used to being powerless but I’ve had enough of journalists smearing me by asking me questions.

What he said: You challenge their propaganda of privilege by using the mass media of the 21st century: social media ... We need to foster a much greater culture of tolerance. An end to abuse, online and in person.

What he meant: Get on Twitter and have a go at them. But be polite.

What he said: Next year marks the 200th anniversary of the Peterloo massacre... The great English poet Percy Shelley wrote a poem about the massacre. That was the origin of our slogan: “for the many not the few”.

What he meant: Nothing to do with Tony Blair’s redrafted Clause IV of the Labour Party’s constitution, which I bitterly opposed at the time.

What he said: Our party must speak for the overwhelming majority in our country. Labour is a broad church and can be broader still.

What he meant: But we’re still a church and we want to excommunicate those MPs who disagree with my creed, which is why we approved a rule change this week to make it easier to deselect them.

What he said: You get on a train at Kings Cross and you never know who will be running it by the time you get to Edinburgh. Andy McDonald, our transport secretary, will end this shambles.

What he meant: Under a reconstituted British Rail, the train will never get as far as Edinburgh.

What he said: Today I can announce that Labour will make 30 hours a week of free childcare available to all two, three and four year olds.

What he meant: I am told that this is very important but that I mustn’t read out the bit that says “strong message here”.

What he said: I also want to make an appeal to the older generation who built modern Britain. It was you who rebuilt our country after the war, kick-started our economy, built our NHS and created our social security system. It was your generation that built the council housing, won our rights at work and made our country a better place for all. It was your work and taxes that paid for a better retirement for those who went before you.

What he meant: It was your generation (and mine) that voted to leave the EU. We will subsidise students instead.

What he said: People in this country know that the old way of running things isn’t working any more. And unless we offer radical solutions, others will fill the gap with the politics of blame and division.

What he meant: Copied this bit off Ed Miliband. Nice enough chap but not a proper socialist.

What he said: That’s why Labour speaks for the new majority, why last year we won the biggest increase in the Labour vote since 1945.

What he meant: Well, we will speak for the majority when they finally shake off their false consciousness, but 40 per cent of the vote and some selective statistics is a good start.

What he said: Let me next say a few words about the ongoing denial of justice and rights to the Palestinian people.

What he meant: This is the bit you came for. Get out your flags.

What he said: Labour respects the decision of the British people in the referendum. But no one, no one, can respect the conduct of the government since that vote took place.

What he meant: We support Brexit but no need to dwell on that: Tories bad; government useless; vote Labour.

What he said: Let me say to the country. As it stands, Labour will vote against the Chequers plan or whatever is left of it and oppose leaving the EU with no deal ... If Parliament votes down a Tory deal or the government fails to reach any deal at all we would press for a general election. Failing that, all options are on the table.

What he meant: We will oppose everything, which means that we leave the EU by default on 29 March 2019. But Keir says he’s got a cunning plan, so I’ve got to say that all options are on the table. I’ll say it very quietly and then it doesn’t count.

What he said: So let me thank Keir Starmer, the man who would lead our Brexit negotiations in government. Keir, having got agreement yesterday in this conference hall, getting one in Brussels should be a piece of cake.

What he meant: Joke. To conceal the point: Keir will be negotiating the terms of our departure from the EU. Not some tom-fool referendum to overturn the result of the last one.

What he said: Let me also reach out to the prime minister ... if you can’t negotiate that deal then you need to make way for a party that can and will.

What he meant: Jeremy Hunt or Sajid Javid could probably close the deal.

What he said: We must take our message to every town, city and village. United and ready to win, ready to govern as we were in 1945, 1964 and 1997.

What he meant: As Dave Prentis, the Unison leader, said, 1997 was the start of years of darkness. Never again. But here I’m pretending to be all inclusive and that.

What he said: So that when we meet this time next year let it be as a Labour government.

What he meant: We all know this is pie in the sky, and I’m not at all sure I really want to be prime minister, but it sounds good, doesn’t it?