The only thing the Tories learnt from the Windrush scandal was the thrill of deporting people

In this new and exciting environment, the possibilities for revelling in people’s despair are endless. We could even have deportation theme parks

It’s encouraging that the government has learned from the Windrush episode a couple of years ago, in which hundreds of British citizens were wrongly told they were in the country illegally. And what they’ve learned is that deporting people is FUN, so they’re doing it again.

The courts said it was illegal to deport these British citizens, but a “spokesperson” for the government said only the Westminster bubble cares about this. And that’s common sense, because the people they’ve deported are criminals who were convicted by the courts, and it’s a basic rule of life to accept the word of the courts, which is why we have to ignore the courts.

Sajid Javid explained that the crimes these people have committed include “dealing in class A drugs”, so they have to be removed to “protect the public”. This suggests there may be more cabinet reshuffling to come, because Michael Gove has admitted to taking class A drugs, so presumably he’ll do the decent thing, deport himself, and if anyone objects he’ll stand at the airport shouting: “If I can’t abide by the rules of this country I’ve no right to be here, GOOD RIDDANCE.”

Boris Johnson has also admitted to snorting cocaine, so maybe the reason Sajid Javid has resigned is because he knows Johnson will send himself to Jamaica, otherwise the public will be in terrible danger. Then Javid can take over and protect us.

We need to be vigilant. Imagine if there was someone born abroad, such as in New York, who had been found by the courts to have committed a serious offence such as shutting down parliament illegally, and had been recorded planning an assault on a rival, and had the police called out to them because of concerns of domestic violence when they were heard scraming: “Get off my f****** laptop.” Are we seriously suggesting such a person should be allowed to stay here, leaving innocent British people in terror?

Then they’d find some hand-wringing liberals somewhere bleating about their “democratic rights”, but that’s because they’re stuck in their Westminster bubble.

This is why there are cases such as that of Chevon Brown, who came from Jamaica when he was 14, and at 21 was convicted of driving at 100mph, so went to prison for seven months.

Six years later his passport was revoked and he was deported and has never been allowed back. Because it’s only fair that if you commit an offence, you carry out the sentence, and then several years later, when you haven’t committed another one, you’re thrown out of the country.

There’s nothing racist about this, because if someone born in Britain carries out an offence, they too can be suddenly deported back to the country they were born in several years later, and find themselves having to live in Britain.

Some people might consider that if someone is a British citizen, they should be subject to British laws, and tried under our legal system, rather than be deported. But this government’s method is more secure, as it does both, to make extra sure they’ve got it right.

And it’s always been a fundamental part of justice that if you’re convicted of a crime you receive a punishment, then, at some point in the future, you get another one at random, as a surprise. So if you fiddle the gas meter, you get a £200 fine, then at any point in the next 40 years, the government might come round and put your windows in, to protect the public.

If you were picky, you might recall that many years ago, back in 2018, it turned out we’d threatened hundreds of British citizens with deportation, for not having papers they’d never been given. But that had nothing in common with the current story, because that was a simple administrative error by the government, and it would be wrong to think their policy, which they called hostile environment, because they boasted it would make an environment hostile for immigrants, was to blame for any of the hostility.

This time around, the government can be trusted to have not made any mistakes, as those incidents took place under David Cameron and Theresa May, and now we’re run by a much more careful bunch, led by Boris “attention to detail” Johnson and Dominic “too much empathy” Cummings.

So instead of being like the bubble and worrying, we should celebrate this new exciting Britain and enjoy our deportations.

We could have deportation theme parks, with fairground rides where you queue up for 50 minutes, which then catapult immigrants over a hedge onto the back of a truck.

There could be a TV show called “Deport to an Island”, in which eight Jamaican couples are sent abroad and asked to perform tasks, and each week viewers vote for one of them to have their passport revoked so they’re never allowed back. Some people might claim this is distasteful but that’s because they’re in the Westminster bubble.

If we’re going to be proudly British, we need a government that looks tough, and there’s no better way to prove how strong you are, as you enter negotiations in a post-Brexit world, than deporting people. So if these people being deported were truly British, they could prove their loyalty to this country by boosting Britain’s reputation, and thanking us for taking them forcibly to a country they haven’t seen since they were five and making them abandon their family. But no, instead it’s just “me, me, me” as usual. These people just don’t know how to show gratitude.