I know all about the heinous crimes Hunter Biden has committed and you really wouldn’t believe it
In this satirical piece, Stephen Lyons explores the so-called horrifying atrocities perpetrated by Hunter Biden and his evil liberal surrogates
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.People are saying that Hunter Biden once, or maybe more than once, did this thing that is more heinous than you or I can imagine. Just writing about these rumors makes me nauseous.
Sources close to the story, and closer than I am to these unnamed sources — who are close, believe me — say that what investigators are finding out about this most horrible thing that Hunter Biden did, possibly a dozen times, is a game-changer.
I’m just saying that, from what I’ve gathered, this will implicate not only Hunter Biden, his father and many other high-ranking Democrat politicians, but also numerous business CEOs, entertainment people, thought leaders, immigration officials, and a woman named Missouri Lou, who actually lives in New Jersey. This crime, if it is what those in the know — and, from what I’ve heard, they do know — are suggesting, is illegal in 48 states. (Of course, anything goes in Alaska and Idaho.)
Now, these people who are investigating this most horrific thing that Hunter Biden may or may not have done have in their possession thousands of extremely damaging emails found on a remote server in a strip mall in Memphis that shares space with a Waffle House. These emails are so damaging that Julian Assange is beside himself with jealousy. Or so I’ve heard from sources close to the people who know someone who met Assange on a Zoom call once.
I am also hearing that what Hunter Biden and someone named either Katrina, Corey, Vladimir or, again, Missouri Lou participated in might be labeled in some circles as witchcraft or sedition. Or not. Who knows? Someone does. Not me, obviously — I’m just repeating what some people are saying to me privately or during prime time on Fox News.
However, I believe that it’s common knowledge that the sickening, disgusting, vile act(s) that Hunter Biden and, apparently, members of the Mafia, members of a punk group called Chaos, and possibly every Ukrainian woman named Oksana carried out happened within the last decade — perhaps sooner, maybe even in the past 24 hours. That’s what I’d say, based on the incredible documents that detectives found only moments ago.
More than several people have seen photos of the atrocities allegedly committed by the Biden gang. I spoke to someone who overheard a person who had looked at these images, and he (or she) is receiving around-the-clock psychiatric care in an undisclosed clinic in Austria because the trauma of viewing those photos was just too much.
A few people were texting about this genocidal, barbaric felony that could or could not be traced back to Hunter Biden and his surrogates, and I have heard through backchannels that the texts are incriminating, if not downright accusatory. That being said, perhaps we should not jump to conclusions until all the DNA evidence and various laptops have been collected, analyzed and altered for easier interpretation.
Now, putting insinuations and conspiracies that might involve Ukraine and Isis aside for the moment, and presuming innocence over obvious guilt, let’s say that this grotesque trespass against humanity that Hunter Biden either probably did or probably did not do, did indeed actually perhaps happen. And let’s speculate that the unspeakable evil that Hunter Biden unleashed upon this planet will affect generations of Americans, Mexicans, and some Canadians (at least in the Maritime Provinces) until the end of this century and beyond. (If we make that far, that is.)
Let me be perfectly clear, people. I’m not saying, but I’m kind of suggesting, that some people who definitely are in the know are saying that when this discovered dirt is unearthed, it might well lead to violent, civil unrest, the likes of which we have not seen since, well, way back on January 6, 2021. Not that I am advocating anything.
Look, I’m certainly not telling you to exercise your Second Amendment rights as soon as possible. And if you think I said what you thought I said then you are placing your misinformed interpretation against my written word. You are what some Americans would call a crooked, unbalanced, lying loser. Note that I did not call you that, but I bet someone else will at least think it.
When will the media elite and the socialist Washington talking heads report about the sadistic crime(s) that Hunter Biden, his entire family, his ex-girlfriends, Missouri Lou and possibly the guy who installed his cable could have committed, according to those in the know? I mean, Hello “60 Minutes?” Wolf? Rachel? Woodward?
Maybe the entire system is too fact-based. A sad thought indeed, but one that I think we can agree is terribly outdated.
Stephen J. Lyons is the author of five books of essays and journalism. His most recent book is “West of East.”