How England had their finest hour, without even trying

TODAY in Rugby Workshop we are honoured to have Jonathan Wibberley, perhaps the most-capped England player who doesn't actually have a contract with a television sports quiz, is that right Jonathan?

That's right.

Amazing. Now, we have called you in obviously to talk us through England's historic victory over the All Blacks at Twickenham on Saturday.

Yes, a truly wonderful victory. Although the All Blacks threw every trick in the book at us . . .

What book is that?

It's a little handbook called How to Tackle the Man Just After He's Passed and Scientifically Cause Him The Maximum Damage. It's published by the University of Auckland Sporting Injury Press.

So what do you think was the most outstanding feature of the match on Saturday?

I think the most outstanding feature of the match was that not a single try was scored, and yet people still describe it as a truly wonderful game of rugby.

Yes, well, let's put it this way - what aspects would a newcomer to the sport have been most struck by?

I think he would have been taken aback to find that a team called the All Blacks was full of white people, and not a woman among them.

What else might have struck them? The sheer excitement of the occasion?

You have to remember that excitement is a relative thing. To a neutral observer it would have seemed a fairly dull, spoiling game in which one side occasionally crept ahead of the other. 'Exciting' is a code word used by commentators to mean 'the scores are very close'. It doesn't refer to the standard of play.

Good heavens. Are there many code words like this?

Millions. For instance, when a commentator says that someone 'has been forced to kick with his wrong foot', what does he mean by 'wrong foot'? There is no such thing as a wrong foot. There is only a foot you have not learnt to kick with. Do they ever say: 'He has been forced to pass with the wrong hand'? No, they don't. That's because by the time they've got to international level, most players have learnt how to pass with both hands. So why not both feet? No, what it really means when they say 'forced to kick with the wrong foot' is, 'And now a bloke who has never bothered to learn how to kick with both feet, even though he is an international, is going to kick with the foot he hasn't learnt how to kick with'.

Any other bits of code worth looking out for?

'They're really looking for the ball'.

What does that mean?

'They're not really looking for the ball. They're stamping on their opponents' faces'.

I see. What else would the newcomer notice about a rugby game like this?

He'd notice that people had different names from people in other games. There are lots of people called Nigel and Simon and Jonathan in English rugby. Not in soccer. People called Rory and Gavin are pretty thin on the ground in soccer, too. You'd never get an English soccer captain called Will standing next to a mate called Rob.

Is there a reason for this?

Yes, but we haven't really got time to go into the English class system now.

Fine. Anything else to look out for?

Yes. Modern rugby is getting very like modern architecture. Practitioners in both are constantly being hemmed in by new regulations and are constantly looking for new ways round these new regulations. The interest for the skilled spectator is in spotting new tactics designed to defeat the new laws.

Give me an example.

It has been made illegal to tackle a player while he is in the air, to prevent unnecessary damage. So full- backs are now acquiring the habit of jumping to catch the ball so they cannot be tackled while in the act of catching it.

Hmm. Does this also mean that players running with the ball are jumping in the air when a tackler approaches?

Oh no, there is much bigger game afoot. The England XV are practising an entirely new set-piece in which the man with the ball will be lifted up in the air and then carried by

two colleagues towards the opposite try-line.

What is the point of that?

Well, the opposition can't tackle the man with the ball because he is in the air and they can't tackle the two men carrying him because they haven't got the ball, so theoretically they can then carry him all the way to the try-line, where he comes down and scores.

Sounds ludicrous.

Most of the really effective things in rugby are ludicrous. I am sure it must be the only game in the world where 16 grown men bend down and then insert their faces between each other's bottoms. And it must be the only . . .

Thank you, Jonathan Wibberley. And Rugby Workshop will be back again soon. And there again, maybe not.