Thanks to a new study on HIV, I can love without fear again. I thought that would be impossible in my lifetime

Fast forward 22 years from my diagnosis, and not only am I still alive, I am healthy and thriving. I work full time and I am in a long-term relationship with someone who does not have HIV

A new study has found that men and women with HIV who take antiretroviral drugs have no chance of infecting their partner. This is fantastic news for people with HIV. But it reminds me of the long and painful path many of us have taken to get to this point, and the barriers that remain.

I was diagnosed HIV positive in 1997 when I was 30 years old. I had just returned from a holiday in Senegal, West Africa, and was in hospital in London with malaria. They offered me an HIV test. When the result came back positive it was a shock, and it was terrifying: I thought I didn’t have long to live. I was scared, not only that I would get horribly sick and die, but also of being rejected and judged by my friends and family. Most of my friends at the time were getting married and having children. I felt so lonely and desperate. I could not tell anyone.

Many people living with HIV are still incredibly anxious of telling others about their diagnosis. A recent research by Public Health England, Positive Voices, showed that 20 per cent of people living with HIV have not accessed general health services when they needed it, because of fear of stigma. One in 10 people with HIV has experienced stigma from the NHS, and one in 16 has never told anyone except their healthcare team.

Luckily not long after my diagnosis I was put on antiretrovirals – the lifesaving HIV medication that had just become available and which is mentioned in this new study. I was on 18 pills a day and experiencing terrible side effects. It wasn’t easy. The burden of secrecy and the dread of telling others made me feel extremely anxious. I thought that my friends would not even drink from my cup if they knew. I used to go to my HIV doctor in St George’s Hospital in London and cry for 45 minutes non-stop. She suggested I took antidepressants, and I didn’t want to.

It is not a surprise that 40 per cent of people with HIV in the UK have also been diagnosed with a mental health condition. Social isolation and loneliness remain among the greatest challenges for people with HIV. We now have pills that can keep us healthy, and stop us transmitting HIV to our partners, but we still do not have a pill for stigma.

The doctor at St George’s Hospital referred me to a peer support group at Positively UK. Accessing the support and meeting other people with HIV helped me enormously in terms of accepting my diagnosis and learning how to live well with HIV, including how to navigate relationships and sex.

This latter aspect of living with HIV was one of the most difficult things for me. It can be extremely hard to tell a partner that you have HIV, and the fear of rejection and judgment is paralysing. However, I always thought that, in spite of HIV, I was still a woman and I deserved to be loved and live my life the way I wanted.

For a long time, the fear of passing HIV to the person I loved has cast an enormous shadow. Of course, condoms reduced the risk, but the fear was always there. Having the certainty that I cannot pass HIV to my partner, and that I can love freely, has been incredibly liberating – it has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. I didn’t think that in my lifetime I could experience love without fear again.

Fast forward 22 years, not only am I still alive, I am healthy and thriving. I work full time and I'm in a long-term relationship with someone who does not have HIV. HIV treatment has improved tremendously, and I now take one pill a day, which has no side effects.

However, the greatest challenge remains people’s attitudes towards HIV.

There is so much prejudice based on fear and not knowing how HIV has changed. We have a long way to go before these issues are resolved.

Silvia Petretti is CEO of Positivity UK, a national charity offering peer support for people with HIV