I was forced to ‘out’ myself as HIV positive before someone did it for me – this is what it was like

Sharing my Aids story on my own terms opened up a whole new world of self-love, empowerment, and acceptance from others, writes Jason Reid

I was living in a constant state of anxiety (AFP via Getty Images)

In 2014 – nine years after being hospitalised with Aids-defining illnesses for several months – I decided to go public with my HIV status and Aids story in the most fabulous way possible.

Those were the early days of me being a well-known face on London’s LGBT+ scene. Each week I interviewed drag and cabaret artists for QX Magazine – which was a popular weekly LGBT+ publication – and drag artists often asked me to judge talent competitions. I was passionate about what I was doing and loved every second, despite very rare but vocal negativity because I was a “normal person”.

For World Aids Day 2014, I posed proudly for the cover of QX Magazine, along with a magnificent drag artist called Vanilla Lush. Inside, I wrote frankly about my near-death experience. Cabaret comes out for World Aids Day, the cover caption read.

I can still vividly remember sitting in a coffee shop and being unable to hold back the tears when I’d put the final full stop on that piece. There was no doubt in my mind how much of a big deal it was.

Since then, I’ve received countless messages of support from across the world, written and spoken about HIV/Aids extensively in order to empower others and break down stigma, and offered confidential advice to HIV-positive people who are afraid of telling their friends and loved ones.

But there’s a part of my journey that I’ve always suppressed because it has caused me a great deal of pain – and, if I’m being completely honest, shame.

In the months before the publication of my HIV coming out story, someone was threatening to out me. Worse again, the person was a member of the LGBT+ community. It didn’t take long for this information to get back to me from a friend.

However, I was never going to allow a deeply poisoned mind to set the terms of my HIV/Aids journey. To have someone who invested so much time in a personal vendetta against me infesting my coming out story would be the worst of the worst.

The person who was threatening to reveal my HIV status was (and no doubt still is) a master manipulator. They routinely tried to get information about me from people (and particularly friends), posted vague and threatening Facebook statuses aimed at me, degraded me and distorted who I truly was to others; all the while propagating HIV stigma by trying to saddle me with shame.

Because of this, I was living in a constant state of anxiety which was affecting my ability to relax, sleep and even socialise. Most days I’d wake with the same feeling of dread of being outed, nervously expecting a flurry of texts and Facebook notifications from surprised people finding out about my HIV status.

Only a few people knew about my status, but somehow this person found out and wanted to out me to everyone in order to, as I was told, “take me down a peg or two”.

My first reaction was one of revulsion. I couldn’t comprehend why someone who knew all too well the horrors of Aids and deeply harmful effects of HIV stigma, would seek to exploit someone like me who has been through Aids and come out the other end, and now lives with HIV.

Aids almost killed me. I lived it. It belongs to me.

For a person who’s known to me to threaten to dictate the narrative and weaponise something so personal, in my mind, was worse than being mugged by a stranger on the street. It was about exerting power over me. Abuse, plain and simple

My revulsion soon turned to anger and then fear.

I was scared of my story being misrepresented, of being judged and ostracised. I was angry because how dare this person gleefully hold that power over me?

Despair set in because I felt completely powerless. Consequently, I spiralled into a period of self-loathing and my alcohol consumption increased significantly. I wanted to disassociate from reality. Friends tried to console me, but the abuse and looming threat of being outed consumed me for some time.

It’s only in the last year or so that I’ve been able to start controlling my excessive drinking which I used as a crutch, especially since that period. Making the decision to come out on the cover of a magazine was easy. Because I knew it was time to take back the power that rightly belonged to me.

Now, with the benefit of excellent therapy and being mentally stronger, I can talk openly about almost being outed. I’m no longer scared or angry. I pity the person, but hold no malice towards them.

If someone tries to take away your power and belittle you, know that it’s them with the deep flaws, not you.

For me, coming out publicly as HIV positive and sharing my Aids story on my own terms opened up a whole new world of self-love, empowerment, and acceptance from others.