Decent members of society don't burgle houses – they rip up floral tributes while shouting 'Scum!' instead

Even if a flower grows naturally on the spot where a burglar dies, it should be sprayed with napalm: that will teach it to insult old-aged pensioners, the liberal botanically correct floral scum

Every ordinary person will agree, when reading about the Hither Green burglar death and the subsequent flower controversy, that it’s DISGRACEFUL. Because although the man whose house was burgled was quickly released with no charges after killing the burglar, it’s outrageous that he was questioned in the first place. Because an ENGLISHMAN’S HOME IS HIS CASTLE, so if there’s a dead body in your house, no one should even be allowed to ask you about it.

That’s why, if you go round someone’s house for a cup of tea and there’s a couple of fresh corpses in the kitchen, you just ignore them. That’s basic manners, that is.

Instead the dead burglar’s family had the cheek to put up flowers where he was killed. So let’s be thankful for the honest folk prepared to selflessly tear them down, calmly and respectfully restoring dignity by ripping them up one petal at a time while shouting “SCUM SCUM SCUM SCUM SCUM SCUM SCUM!” into a camera.

Because it’s time we recognised that no one who’s committed a crime should be allowed any flowers when they’re killed. We need a code so there’s no more confusion. If you’ve ever done a burglary, the only roadside tribute you’re allowed should be a puddle of dribble from a dying hedgehog. If you had six or more points on your driving licence for minor speeding offences, you’re allowed one dandelion.

Even if a flower grows naturally on the spot where a burglar dies, it should be sprayed with napalm: that will teach it to insult old-aged pensioners, the liberal botanically correct floral scum.

One of the cards that got ripped up was written by the dead man’s daughter, and that’s no surprise because the daughter is a typical example of the modern liberal elite, having emotions for a common criminal when he’s stabbed to death just because he was her dad. She should listen to the views of ordinary decent people and then shout “SCUM SCUM SCUM!” whenever his name is mentioned.

Luckily one local resident was brave enough to rip up a teddy bear that was left with the tributes. That will teach the furry bastard.

This is all in order to show respect for the pensioner whose house was burgled, and I expect he’s very grateful, as rather than be allowed to get on with life after a violent trauma, now he can calmly enjoy being the centre of a news story while camera crews sit outside his house 24 hours a day and vigilantes wait for flora and fauna to emerge so they can destroy it with a flamethrower.

Action had to be taken against those flowers, and it’s surely much better that they’re dealt with reasonably, by being torn and strewn across the road by blokes growling like lead singers in a thrash metal band, and broadcast all day on news channels, otherwise those flowers may have stayed up there for as long as four days before naturally withering away.

Hopefully this issue will be passed on to experts, and be raised on next week’s Gardeners’ Question Time on Radio 4. The presenter will tell us, “I have a letter here from a Mr Winthrop of Lewisham, and he says, ‘My spring daffodils started out this year as a lovely blooming glowing yellow, that certainly brightened up the somewhat gloomy fence opposite. But now they’re upside-down sticking out of a drain with a bloke in a bobble hat treading on them and yelling ‘SCUM SCUM SCUM’. Can the panel suggest anything to perk them up again?’”

Then they’ll reply, “Well, Mr Winthrop, in future try and ensure that in spring, your local burglars are killed in houses facing south, as this should ensure the floral tributes get much more sunlight and will be far more robust when they’re stamped on.”

Whatever the answer, it’s clear we need to remove all restrictions on the right of home owners to protect themselves against intruders. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe must be permitted, and we should be free to arm ourselves in whatever way we see fit.

I’m sure if there was a country that displayed this attitude, where every citizen was allowed to keep a gun, it would be a peaceful, safe society where no one was ever the victim of random acts of violence from people who were a little bit doolally.

But for now we should at least restore some respect, by making it illegal to remember in any way the burglar who was killed while committing a burglary. Instead of insulting anyone who’s ever been burgled by giving him a funeral, his body should be laid over the road and used as a speed bump.

And we should be thankful to tabloid newspapers for their headlines about this story, including one from The Sun which bemoaned the “sick tributes” paid to the burglar and provided coverage of the vigilante group prepared to “patrol the area on a 24-hour basis” to ensure no more offensive flowers appear.

You can understand The Sun for feeling disgust at inappropriate behaviour about “sick tributes” towards the dead. Because, from the Hillsborough tragedy to the time they hacked into the phones of dead soldiers, they’ve always shown the utmost respect for all emotions surrounding death. They should probably set up their own grief counselling service, so that mourners could go to The Sun with their feelings of loss and, for a small fee, they would make up a story that the dead person brought it on themselves by being drunk. Then they’d publish the story on the front page and spread it round the country, and everyone’s sadness would drift away as they felt better immediately.