Should you ever expect someone to reveal their sexuality? Heartstopper’s Kit Connor didn’t get a choice

Pressuring an 18-year-old actor to ‘come out’ shows we’ve all completely missed the point

Coming out isn’t like in the movies. Often, it’s a tentative transition, fraught with uncertainty as we hope for acceptance but prepare for rejection. Even those of us who have joyous coming out experiences still recognise we’re in the minority, not the majority. We know this, we’ve lived it, yet some of us relish forcing others to come out before they’re ready.

Kit Connor, known for his role in teen drama Heartstopper, is the latest celebrity to be backed into a corner. Scrutiny has hounded his every move for months now, with so-called fans desperate to work out his sexuality as if they’re a cheap film noir detective. It’s been relentless. And now, after being unable to escape the constant gossiping, Connor has outed himself to quiet the insistent din.

On Halloween evening, a night meant for fictional ghouls, the actor returned to social media to relive a very real horror story. He tweeted: “Back for a minute. I’m bi. Congrats for forcing an 18-year-old to out himself. I think some of you missed the point of the show. Bye."

His message feels like one of defeat. After already trying to remove himself from cruel taunts and accusations, most notably in September when he left Twitter after fans accused him of queerbaiting, he’s had to suffer further insult to injury. Despite actively avoiding social media, the harassment never ceased. It’s bad enough attempting to switch off from socials when you’re nobody of status – can you imagine how tough it is when you’re a celebrity? Even if you don’t see the posts, someone who knows you will.

But it isn’t just Connor’s defeat that’s tangible, it’s his resentment, too. His right to choose whether he comes out has been snatched away from him. He’s played the part of a teen grappling with his sexuality, and now he’s having to live that character because his fans felt they deserved insight into his personal life.

Nobody, I repeat, nobody should have to come out this way. It’s high time we deconstruct the illusion of being “out and proud” because it works on ideals, rather than facts. As a queer person, I would love our society to be a place where coming out is as mundane as breathing air, but we don’t. Our society obsesses over it, demanding we give parts of ourselves ahead of time, forever unsatisfied unless we’re embracing stereotypes.

People want us to be flamboyantly waving rainbow flags, never worrying about what people say because we were born this way. It’s strange, after all these years of us having to hide away out of fear of abuse, we’re now abused if we don’t come out. The general consensus, even among some LGBTQIA+ members, being that we’ve complained enough about being in the closet, isn’t it about time we shut up and just come out already?

I get why – for years we’ve been starved of representation. The queer community has had to survive on scraps and glimmers of coded queerness to see us through. We’ve been left so long in the dark that now, when representation is improving (albeit slowly), we yearn for more; we’re ravenous.

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We want everyone to be as loud as possible about their queerness because there’s no need to be ashamed. To hell with silence and conformity to suit everyone else. And I agree, none of us should be pressured into silence – if you want to scream from the rooftops that you’re queer, you most definitely should. It’s your right to be yourself.

However, while you might be able to proudly embrace your queerness, others aren’t. We’re all different, our stories are destined to be told in different ways and at different times. I find it strange explaining this when our community is meant to be one built on acceptance and tolerance, but clearly something has gone awry. Perhaps it’s the age-old problem of it being easier to say than do…? If that’s the case, all I can say is we need to do better.

The hunger we feel was forced upon us, yet the answer shouldn’t be to combat that starvation by causing more imposition. In a bid to leave behind the shadows that have haunted us, we’re creating new ones within our own community, forcing the next generation to do what we couldn’t. Isn’t it time we practise what we preach and let people live?