Out of the frying pan and into the fireplace salesman? The country is not ready for Prime Minister Gavin Williamson

OK children, this term we will be getting to grips with what has become known as the Gavin Williamson conundrum. Just how did a fireplace salesman from Scarborough who was less well known than his own pet tarantula end up as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom?

This man you've never seen before in your life could be Prime Minister by next week (EPA)

Traditionally, it is when yet another Middle Eastern country stubbornly refuses to have its problems solved by white people’s bombs that those of us with such exalted things as a History GCSE turn wearily again to the words of Edmund Burke.

Of course the great man did not know when suggesting in 1790 that France should just be “put the f*** down and left alone” (as I may have written in the margin at the time) that he would inadvertently found a political movement of some later influence called Conservatism.

But that having happened, it should at least in theory impose upon the many Conservative “small b” berks that have come after him a reasonable expectation of awareness of the founding principles of their own movement.

Alas, not so. As the Conservative High Command appears on the verge of returning to its preferred sectarian bloodletting mode, it would appear that Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson is unaware of all history before the point at which he inexplicably began making it.

A short re-cap. Burke's main point, back then, as some young French upstarts were wheeling out the guillotine is that you don't heal the wounds of your sick father "by hacking that aged parent to pieces."

In fact you just make things worse. To select three random later examples, St Petersburg 1917, Baghdad 2003, and now Tory MP Whatsapp Group 2018, the point is not to ask: how do we get rid of this useless leader? But rather to understand why this useless leader is in place, and what might happen if we do get rid of them.

Guys, pay attention: Tear down the statue of Theresa if you like, but eventually Rageh Omaar goes home and guess what? All the problems haven’t gone away. In fact, they might very well get whole orders of magnitude worse.

Gavin Williamson is on manoeuvres, and who can blame him? Years ago, not long after the election of Barack Obama, some American TV comic or other compared this new American saint unfavourably to his predecessor. George W Bush was, he said, "The most inspiring US President of all time," before adding, "if he can do it, absolutely anyone can."

And so, in this, short mad, Theresa May era, can anyone really blame Gavin Williamson for considering himself capable of running the country?

Plus, if it does happen, it would at least make these mad times in which we all currently live somewhat easier for future GCSE historians to understand.

“OK children, this term we will be getting to grips with what has become known as the Gavin Williamson conundrum. Just how did a fireplace salesman from Scarborough who was less well known than his own pet tarantula end up as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom?

“You will need to weigh up the relative importance and unimportance of the following factors:

1. The public shaming, fifteen years after the event, of a married female former work colleague for a snog in a business hotel lift.

2. Brexit

3. The formal pardoning of two military dogs

4. The unrelenting, self-indulgent sh**show of the Conservative Party, circa 2013 to ongoing.”

To pass, students will merely have to work out that, well, the country had accidentally been allowed to shaft itself, which will be easy enough as it will still be shafted.

But the best grades will go to those who are able to show, with reference to other leading politicians of the time, at this particular period in history, British democracy had been temporarily tweaked to serve the interests of anyone unencumbered by even the remotest sense of shame.

The very best will draw reference to the popular culture of the era, particularly handsy morality vacuum House of Cards (either the original UK version or the popular US remake starring Christopher Plummer.)

Careful study will also have to be undergone of the process by which the Conservative Party deposes its leader, which is best understood as blindfold buckaroo.

To get rid of Theresa May, 48 separate Conservative MPs have to send a letter to an entirely anonymous but nevertheless knight of the realm MP called Sir Graham Brady. Once he’s got 48, Theresa May is automatically gone.

He already has a sizeable number, but precisely how many is a secret, and most of those were only sent in for brinkmanship’s sake. Now Brady is going around privately begging MPs to “please stop sending me letters.”

This time next week, the game might very well be on. Williamson’s pawns are already on the move, as a married former colleague of his now entirely needlessly on the front page of the Daily Mail this morning knows only too well. That feeling of being chucked out of the frying pan and into the fireplace? Well, it might just be about to happen to us all.