When Amir Khan's wife has to apologise for referring to herself as the P-word on Instagram, all nuance goes out the window

Asian people shouldn’t tell black people how and when they can use the N-word. And white people sure as hell shouldn’t be lecturing a Pakistani woman about what terminology she should and shouldn’t be proud of

When I heard about the reaction to Amir Khan’s wife’s Instagram post, I didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. Faryal Makhdoom, a woman of Pakistani descent, posted a picture of herself wearing Pakistani dress. I saw nothing wrong with her accompanying caption, “The p*ki inside of me @deluxe.collections”, other than odd sentence structure (“The p*ki inside of me” sounds like a strange pregnancy announcement – I think she meant “My inner p*ki”).

Grammatical quibbles aside, I had no issues with Makhdoom’s post. However, the internet, as usual, had lots of issues. People were outraged. One user wrote: ““Disgusting for you to use the word ‘P***’! It’s a term used by racists and not terminology to be proud of!” Another user stated: “The word is used in a derogatory way and shouldn’t be ok to use end of whether ur white or brown or black.” Others implied that, by using the term, Makhdoom was basically asking for racial abuse.

Some of Makhdoom’s critics were challenged by those who argued that the P-word is innocuous and prolific – not a racial slur so much as a common shortening of the word Pakistani. Essentially, the commenters split into two camps: those who thought no one should be allowed to use the P-word, and those who thought everyone should be allowed to use the P-word.

My take is this: people who get called the P-word are the people who are allowed to say the P-word. Because adopting the language that’s been used a sinister tool to oppress, deride and malign you isn’t a lazy and ignorant mistake; it’s a subtle act of rebellion.

Reclaiming and reframing racist language is something that people of colour should have the liberty to do, without having to face the wrath of an internet troll who’s only got halfway through reading Activism for Dummies.

Of course, it’s totally appropriate to have considered conversations within your own ethnic group about the pros and cons of adopting these old slurs with new levels of pride and defiance. Many people from a South Asian background could find the P-word upsetting, regardless of context, and might not want it to be assimilated and reclaimed. They should certainly be listened to and allowed to make their point.

But some conversations cannot be cross-cultural. This is one of them. Asian people shouldn’t tell black people how and when they can use the N-word. And white people sure as hell shouldn’t be lecturing a Pakistani woman about what terminology she should and shouldn’t be proud of.

Because all nuance goes out of the window when we force a brown woman to apologise for calling herself a P*ki. It was sad to read the note that Makhdoom published, where she explained: “As a Pakistani myself I don’t deem shortening the word offensive esp as we use it so openly in the US however I totally understand why it can be perceived that way.”

Covering her tracks, Makhdoom was forced to retrospectively sanitise her use of the word, suggesting that she always thought it was benign. It seemed that she was trying to minimise the damage she’d been made to feel she’d caused.

When faced with an international barrage of hate, it’s totally understandable that Makhdoom would choose to take the path of least resistance, say that she hadn’t meant any harm, and pretend that her words had no incendiary intentions. Her apology was clearly an effort to escape the furore she’d been unfairly involved in.

But her initial caption was at odds with her subsequent apology. Her tone of pride in that Instagram post encapsulated the very point that people are trying to make when they reclaim a racial slur. Owning the word p*ki, as Makhdoom did, sends out a clear message to the bigots and racists who use it as an insult: what you choose to hate, I choose to love.