Eastenders is building a mosque - and I've got a few tips on how they should go about it

Resist the urge to stick in a regular old radicalisation story - a Ramadan one ending in an Imam shouting, "Get out of my mosque!" would do much better

(BBC)

EastEnders has long been criticised for being a bit too white. For most people, the real East End of London represents the best of multicultural Britain, with waves of migrants over the past few centuries shaping it into one of the most diverse parts of the city – and, indeed, the country.

Good news, then, that there are plans to build a mosque in its fictional TV representation! I’m just nearing the end of a PhD on British mosques, and I’ll be honest: I’m looking for a job. So I humbly offer my expertise as a consultant to the BBC to ensure their show is as realistic as possible. Here are few suggestions - pro bono, of course.

Building a mosque is never a dull affair

There are about 1600 mosques in Britain, give or take. These vary from house mosques to landmarks such as London Central Mosque.

Few were established without some sort of controversy, from local council disputes to protests from far-right groups - and even the occasional arson attack.

Plenty of opportunity for soap opera drama here.

Forget radicalisation - try Ramadan en masse

There have been suggestions that the introduction of a mosque might also be followed by a radicalisation plotline. This is too easy. Most cases of radicalisation take place outside of mosques, on the streets or online.

Instead, EastEnders can have a big Ramadan storyline. Anyone deprived of food and drink for several hours a day is going to get a bit testy, Muslims included.

Combine this with the general Bollywood-inspired predilection for South Asian elders to react melodramatically on TV and you have a ready-made storyline - and the best part? You can do it annually!

Yeah, we might have seen the Masoods do the odd fast, but Ramadan is a communal thing. Get everyone down the mosque for free food at sundown. The mosque can be the new Queen Vic. Maybe someone can break their fast with a pint and the Imam can shout: “Get out of my mosque!”

These are changing times; we need a new catchphrase, people.

Which moon will Albert Square’s mosque be following?

Every year, when it comes to the time for the Islamic Eid festival, a debate tears apart British Muslims. See, unlike Christmas, which is nice and predictable and falls on the 25^th December consistently, Muslims like to follow the lunar calendar, which relies on some degree of visual sighting.

And every Eid, Muslims argue about whether we should be using astronomical predictions, following Saudi Arabia’s sightings, or London-based sightings.

The debates get really intense and you can have Muslims in the same city (even the same street) following different calendars.

I’d like to see a plotline with Albert Square residents all getting involved in the debate, with punch-ups and teary-eyed shouting matches. It’ll really bring some authenticity to the proceedings.

More tea, Imam?

A mosque means an Imam, which will be a great regular addition to the EastEnders cast. The shows already had two Imams, both called Ali. I suggest for realism he’s called something else this time (try Mohammed, can’t go wrong with that).

UK Imams are increasingly British-born, young, highly educated and usually underpaid. They will also have had a decent amount of training in fiqh, or jurisprudence, preparing them for the difficult questions they’re likely to encounter during their ministry.

Imams receive training in pastoral support, meaning they’re great at giving advice, and not just to Muslims. Who better than the local Imam to advise local residents on the frankly ridiculous ethical dilemmas and moral quandaries they get into?

What are the Islamic ethical issues raised when a mother switches her deceased baby for another baby without the second mother realising? Well I, for one, would like to know.

So there you go, BBC: some straightforward ways to not only ensure your Walford’s new mosque is as realistic as possible, but also ways to introduce some fresh drama into the show.

Give me a ring sometime. We can discuss my new appointment over lunch.