Since politicians try to copy victors, expect Labour’s Trump-inspired sexual harassment policy any time soon

Hilary Benn will say, ‘I have raised this with Jeremy Corbyn, suggesting he starts with Dame Shirley Williams, but sadly have as yet received no reply’

Who better to solve America’s problems than a deranged sociopath? (EPA)

We’re getting used to these nights now. There could be a referendum on whether everyone in Britain should have a red hot poker up their arse, and all the polls could show not a single person wanted a red hot poker up their arse, and you know around 2.30 in the morning Dimbleby would be gasping, “What an extraordinary night. Just look at that result from Worcester, 72 per cent in favour of a red hot poker up the arse. What on earth do you make of this, Paddy Ashdown?”

That’s why there are three programmes a day on radio or television, in which columnists and politicians say, “We have to recognise how angry people are. I went to Lincolnshire last week and spoke to one man who was so angry he burst, right in front of me. Then his wife was even angrier, because she had to sweep him up. Then a Polish woman offered to sweep him up for one pound forty pence less, so she got the job and I understand her anger as I could see she was as cross as I get when one of my deer escapes from my estate in Oxfordshire.”

The same is clearly true in America, where large numbers of people appear to have concluded “our life keeps getting harder and more complicated, but at last we’ve got a chance to calm things down, by making ourselves ruled by a deranged sociopath.”

This is more alarming than when Reagan or George W Bush became President. They had to hide their cruelty behind a façade of decency, whereas Trump boasts of his contempt for the slightest decency. It wouldn’t surprise you if at one of his rallies he said, “Hey, instead of the normal balloons we’re going to have a bit of fun” and blew up a dolphin.

All rules for social behaviour are overturned. The accepted ideals for bringing up kids will be transformed. So children’s books will go, “Little Jennifer was at the seaside with her mummy and daddy. ‘Look daddy’, she said, ‘that boy’s built a huge sandcastle’. So she jumped all over it and destroyed it and did a wee on it. The boy cried so Jennifer and her mummy and daddy laughed because he was a loser. ‘You’re horrible’, said the boy. ‘Hey, she’s a great piece of ass’, said Jennifer’s daddy, and it was a lovely day out and Jennifer smiled all the way home.”

Some people are heartened by his acceptance speech, in which he declared, “I’ll rule for everyone.” He’s being honest here, because up until now groups such as Mexicans have felt largely ignored by American politicians, whereas he’s promised to make them pay for a wall to keep themselves out of the country as they’re rapists. It must be wonderful for their self-esteem to at last be acknowledged as important.

One danger is politicians often react to defeat by trying to copy the victor, perhaps by insisting they adopt a tougher line on immigration and welfare. So political parties round the world may conclude they have to follow Trump. Hilary Benn will announce, “If Labour wishes to reconnect with our core voters, we have to be realistic and grab a woman’s pussy. Of course we must do this in a fair and measured way, in line with Labour’s traditional values, and our grabbing will be fully costed and at no expense to the taxpayer. I have raised this with Jeremy Corbyn, suggesting he starts with Dame Shirley Williams, but sadly have as yet received no reply.”

Maybe there is one way in which they could learn from Trump. Because while he’s the elitest of elites, he knows how to speak to people without appearing elite. He could offer a simple solution to the problems such as their workplaces closing, which was to make it impossible for foreign companies to sell their stuff inside America.

Whereas a huge part of Hillary Clinton’s pitch was she was “experienced”, which may not have been the smartest move, as the thing she was experienced at was running things, and she was talking to people who were sick of the way things have been run.

She was saying, “You guys seem angry, and you have every right to be angry. And I PROMISE to do everything in my power to keep on doing the things that made you angry. Because I’ve been doing these things longer than anyone, so I’m really GOOD at making you angry.” And then letting off loads of balloons.

It’s possible that, as a symbol of the establishment that’s become so despised, she was the worst possible candidate in the country.

Anyone chosen at random might have done better, such as a cleaner from a project in Detroit who began her speeches by saying, “If I’m elected I can’t do Wednesdays. I go to my baking class on Wednesdays so any business with Putin will have to wait.”

Or they could have picked a candidate who appeared more outside the establishment than Trump, such as a leopard. There may have been embarrassing footage of him chewing an old man’s arm off, but he could write that off as something that happened ten years ago and he’s apologised so what’s the fuss?

But while it’s bad, it’s not the end of civilisation, as we can decide to resist him and all he stands for.

Or maybe the way we settle things is wait until the Mexicans have built the wall. Then get the Canadians to build one on the other side, we all chip in to stick a roof over the top and lock the bastards in.