If Don Jr doesn't want to answer his subpoena, he could just go and hide in a very secret, hidden place: his father's tax returns

'I'm a young, vibrant man. I'm the youngest person. Which means Don Jr can't be subpoena'd, because he's a minor'

President Trump has said he was “quite surprised” to learn that his son, Don Jr, has been subpoenaed by the Republican-controlled Senate Intelligence Committee. “Don Jr is not my brightest child — if the Intelligence Committee wanted to increase their intelligence, they should have invited Ivanka,” he probably remarked.

Of course, this wasn’t the President’s first reaction as this news broke. I’m assuming Trump first learned about the subpoena from a Fox News chyron which said “Lucky Don Jr wins a free trip to DC: Finally Something Good Happens To A White Family”. As he watched Fox News, I’ll bet Trump was particularly impressed with Laura Ingraham’s description of Don Jr as “DJ”. He didn’t know that any of the Trumps had fingers long enough to scratch records.

Once he realised that a subpoena probably doesn’t count as A Very Good thing for the Trump family, however, POTUS most likely recommended Don Jr refuse to go before Congress. I heard that he specifically recommended his son take refuge in a very secret and hidden place: his tax returns. This marks the first time in history Trump has been in favor of sanctuary cities.

As is the Trump way, the President is publicly projecting confidence. "I read the Mueller report," he said. "It didn’t even mention Don Jr.” I presume his aides later explained that he was confusing the Mueller report with Minority Report, a short story crime thriller by Philip K Dick. Trump must have fumed at his aides when he finished reading Minority Report as it did not present any concrete policy recommendations to stop population growth among minority groups. His aides probably enjoyed the verbal abuse as it marked the first the President read something cover to cover.

Those same aides have admitted this week that Trump is privately concerned about what the subpoena against Don Jr might entail. Led by Rudy Giuliani, I’ve heard Trump’s legal team is drafting a host of tweets for the President to send during Don Jr’s testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee. Expected tweets include: “We should get along with Putin because his name is shorthand for President of USA Trump Is Nice” and “I’m a young, vibrant man. I’m the youngest person. Which makes Don Jr a minor so he can’t be tried”.

Trump’s alternative strategy is to distract with bombastic statements like his assertion that John Kerry should be prosecuted under the Logan Act for meeting with Iran. This a watered down version of what Trump initially said, which was “John F Kerry totally violated the Logan Act. which means he must duel the man who the act was named after: Wolverine”. Trump walked back from this statement after he realised that he didn’t like Wolverine because the X-Men hero didn’t use guns.