I left my abuser before the first lockdown but still fear for my safety – I feel let down by the courts
People often assume that the abuse stops when you leave, but if you have children together, that just isn’t the case, explains an anonymous writer
I left my abuser only a few months before the first lockdown started. I packed two bags, one for me and one for my young daughter, and I left while my partner was at work.
We’d been together for two years at that point, and things had started off great. He asked me to move in with him a month after our first date and we were spending all our time together. After six months, I was pregnant with our daughter. Around this time, I started to realise he had a very short temper, which he’d lose if I did something the wrong way, such as folding his clothes or cleaning.
Things got steadily worse after our daughter arrived. The birth was traumatic and I had to have an emergency C-section, but I was still expected to do everything around the home and ended up seriously hurting myself. He was adamant that we didn’t need any outside help. He said our family and friends were “interfering” and discouraged them from visiting. If I invited my mum or my sister to come over without his permission, he’d make them feel so uncomfortable that they’d leave.
I’d often get upset and we’d argue about it. His response was to tell me I had postnatal depression and wasn’t thinking clearly. On several occasions when we argued, he locked me in the bedroom without a phone. I was completely helpless and could hear my baby crying in the other room.
I decided to leave after the locking up incidents became more extreme. Twice he took my keys before he left for work and locked me and the baby in the flat all day. I had to lie to friends about why I couldn’t come out to meet them. I had started to seriously fear for mine and my daughter’s safety and knew the attempts to isolate us would only continue.
Things didn’t get better after I left. He would show up at my mum’s house and threaten me and my family. Other times he’d send police to do welfare checks on our daughter. The abuse was constant and I was exhausted. Eventually I decided the court needed to intervene and help determine how and when he could access our child. We went to court in June this year. I can’t help but feel our case was rushed through due to the additional pressure the lockdown had put on the legal system. Despite everything he’s put us through, I still have to hand my daughter over to him every week. If I don’t, I’ll be breaking the court order and could go to prison.
The drop off point ordered by the court is an empty car park on the edge of town. Meetings have to happen after my ex has finished work, so it’s dark by then and the car park is poorly lit. No third parties are allowed to be present, so I’m constantly in fear for my safety. My ex has used these meetings to torment and abuse me, shouting in my face in front of our child, and even slamming a car door on my hand. I can’t imagine how life would be if I was still with him now, locked in with him day in day out.
Every time I meet my ex, I’m anxious and I worry if my daughter will be okay. Most of the time, she has to be prised from my arms because she doesn’t want to go with him. The meetings feel dangerous, but I can’t afford the fees for using a child contact centre, nor can I afford to take my ex back to court to get the arrangements changed. I’m still paying off the legal fees from the first round and it would financially ruin me.
Throughout this difficult period, I’ve had support from Refuge. When I first reached out to their National Domestic Abuse Helpline back in June, I was too nervous to speak on the phone, so I used their live chat service online. At that point in time, I needed reassurance, and someone to tell me that what was happening to me wasn’t acceptable. The thing is, people often assume that the abuse stops when you leave, but if you have children together, that just isn’t the case. Hearing that abusers often use child contact arrangements to continue to abuse and control a survivor just put everything into perspective.
Refuge put me in touch with a local counselling service and my Refuge caseworker has been an endless source of support over the past few months, particularly when things have felt really overwhelming. I hope any woman who is experiencing domestic abuse right now knows that help is out there. Like me, you might not feel ready or able to pick up the phone, but you can use the live chat even if you only have a few minutes alone.
Recovery from domestic abuse is a process. I’m still near the beginning of mine and it’s been really tough at times, but life is already much brighter and I feel hopeful for the future.
You can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or visit nationaldahelpline.org.uk