The Democratic debates are going to be even more ridiculous than you thought

Trump will be tweeting, Bernie will be planning out his post-debate trip to Pyongyang, and Beto O'Rourke will be putting his colonoscopy on Facebook Live

Which ancestry will she claim she has next? Trump will be waiting (AP)

The first Primary debate of the 2020 season is tonight in Miami, some 500 days or so before the election. Staging a debate tonight seems kind of ridiculous — not just because Election Day is so far away, but also because a lengthy democratic process feels out of place in a plutocracy.

Lower profile candidates are excited for the debate as it offers them a chance to gain name recognition. Particularly excited to be on stage is New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. Until now the closest he’d ever come to something staged was a noteworthy WhatsApp conversation with his son.

Also excited for tonight’s debate is Beto O’Rourke of Texas. He’s pumped to be hosting a Facebook Live show from his podium on stage during the debate. Beto has already announced his plans to seize post-debate momentum: live-streaming his colonoscopy — in a prime time slot — despite his doctor insisting he has no need for this procedure. This live colonoscopy, his campaign insists, will function as an apt metaphor for the current state of US healthcare: an unnecessary, expensive and invasive procedure that screws Americans from behind. Beto has already signed an exclusive deal with Jacobin magazine for pictures from the procedure.

Beto isn’t the only candidate aiming to grab headlines with post-debate activity. Bernie Sanders will go from the debate straight to his next campaign event in nearby Cuba. This will be followed by campaign events in Beijing and Pyongyang and will culminate in a rally outside Lenin’s Tomb in Moscow — or, as Bernie calls it, “just my regular 4th of July celebration”.

Joining Bernie in Moscow will be his wife Jane and pet dog, Sputnik. At this Moscow rally, Bernie will offer more detail on his plan to tackle the student loan crisis, which he’s calling the “University Student Securitization Resolution”, or “USSR” for short.

Not to be outdone, Elizabeth Warren will publish an op-ed outlining her position on reparations for slavery after the debate. Warren is expected to support reparations, a position which may be related to her new claim of African-American ancestry.

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg will try to capture hearts and minds after the debate by heading straight to Orlando. He’s hoping that 2019 is the year that he finally looks old enough to go on the big boy rides at Universal Studios.

At the other end of the age spectrum is Joe Biden, who will be making his own post-debate splash — by naming Sasha Obama as his running mate. When asked why he picked Sasha, Biden said “she’s the only Obama who hasn’t blocked my number”.

In addition, Biden was recently interviewed about his spiritual beliefs. A devout Catholic, Biden was asked about how he performs Mass. Unfortunately, Biden got confused and started downplaying his decades long support for mass incarceration.

Speaking of politicians lacking endorsements from the Obamas, President Trump won’t want to let his Democratic rivals dominate the airwaves. As his is wont, he will likely tweet about the debate using the nicknames he’s created for Democratic candidates: “Pocahontas” for Elizabeth Warren; “Crazy Bernie” for Bernie Sanders; “Sleepy Joe” for Joe Biden; and “Who?” for all others.