David Cameron re-emerges, just as his promise to ‘settle the Europe question forever’ reaches the Supreme Court

Writing about Brexit is like being a TV critic. There is just no way this stuff is not scripted

For some years now, I have complained that Brexit has reduced the role of the satirist to that of transcriber. I now realise I have been wrong.

I am not a transcriber. I am a TV critic. Because frankly, there is just no way this stuff is not scripted.

How can it possibly not be? How can Thursday 19 September 2019 not be the work of a dedicated writing team?

How can the narrative of this day not have been plotted out?

How can someone somewhere not have said: “Okay, I like the former Tory prime minister taking the current one to the Supreme Court storyline, but here’s an idea. On the actual day it happens, why don’t we make that the day we finally bring Cameron back out of the shepherd’s hut, after three whole years?

“Just imagine. We can have Cameron on the radio – and sod it, let’s make it Humphrys’ last day as well shall we – flogging his book. We can flashback to season one, you know, the whole, ‘I will settle the Europe question forever with an in/out referendum’ stuff.

“And then, wallop. We’re in the Supreme Court, John Major’s sitting there, while his legal counsel just slowly, gently explains how Boris Johnson is a ‘dodgy estate agent’.

“He can explain how, you know, this idea that the prime minister proroguing parliament is none of the court’s business is daft. He can explain, after two days of indecipherable legalese (not our finest hour by the way, guys), that if this is none of the court’s business, then what’s to stop a prime minister shutting down parliament to prevent him disbanding the armed forces, or shutting down parliament to stop it kicking him out?

“Or, you know, in this actual case, what’s to stop a prime minister shutting down parliament to stop him inflicting actual food and medicine shortages on his own people?

“If the courts won’t get involved in that, then what can they?”

“Very good. Right, and while this is happening, what’s Boris Johnson going to be doing?”

“Yes, well, to be honest, we’ve dug ourselves into a bit of a hole on this one. The constant lying and the humiliating himself absolutely everywhere he goes is playing well with audiences, but there is a real risk we’re pushing it too far.

“At the moment we’ve got him down for some stuff with the army, but we’re not quite sure where to go with it? We already sent him to a hospital, and had him point directly at the press and say ‘there are no press here’. Where can you go after that? Apparently ITV viewers have been complaining that the new Dynamo is rubbish.”

“Alright we’ll come back to that. What else have you got?”

“Well, you remember we had him go to Berlin and have Angela Merkel give him a 30-day deadline to come up with “workable alternatives” to the backstop? Well those 30 days are up today, and he still hasn’t sent anything.

“So this is what we’ve come up with. We’re going to have them send some ‘technical non-papers’ to the EU about it. I know ‘non-papers’ sounds a bit metaphysical but I don’t think we need to worry about that. It’s not like it’ll be the first bit of properly weird gear we’ve nicked from Black Mirror and no one seems to mind.

“Anyway, we’re going to have him try and claim that these ‘technical non-papers’ are both ‘strictly confidential’ and also ‘do not represent the government’s view’. We’re literally going to put that out, as a No 10 statement.

“This really is going to be his position. We’ve had 30 days to think about it. And here’s what we’ve got, some ‘non-papers’, that are both top secret and not what we actually think.”

“Incredible. Absolutely incredible. What about tomorrow?”

“Okay, here’s what we’ve got. The government’s going to lose the Supreme Court case, parliament’s going to have to be recalled, but it’ll be the middle of the Labour conference by then so all of the MPs who made such a fuss about it will actually have won, but they won’t even come back. And, even if they did, there’ll be absolutely nothing for them to do.

“So after victory in the biggest court case there’s ever been, we’ll be sending the MPs home from work at about half past three.”

“Oh come on. Don’t be ridiculous. No one’s going to believe that. We’re going to have to rein it in a bit. How are we meant to have a series finale after all this?”

“Well, here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter. There isn’t going to be one. Not for at least 10 years anyway. This is thing with the Brexit box set. It’s never, ever, ever going to end.”