I can’t seem to find the perfect partner – and time is running out

The Independent’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships

‘Perfection doesn’t exist outside of movies (or Paul Mescal)’ (PA Wire)

Dear Vix,

I’ve been dating for a while but I just can’t seem to find the perfect partner. I’ve done everything I can think of: blind dates, set ups from well-meaning friends – I even joined a salsa dancing class, thinking that it would help me meet an interesting person with similar and eclectic interests. But nothing seems to be working.

There are so many different dating apps and I’ve tried them all to try to find love, but I seem to be stuck in a constant cycle of swipe, match, chat, date – then it ends and I don’t even make it to the second date. I get lots of matches online and start a lot of conversations, but just tire of it all so quickly. I go in fits and starts where I’m really committed to “doing dating” and finding a partner, then the next minute it just all feels like too much effort and I can’t be bothered; so I delete all the apps for a week (before getting bored and lonely and re-downloading them and starting the cycle all over again). On the few occasions where I do meet up with someone IRL, they could be perfectly nice in person, but something still feels like it’s missing – they’re just not my type.

I really want to meet someone and have a partner and maybe even a family, but it just all seems so impossible. I know there must be the perfect person out there, but they’re MIA – and I’m starting to panic, because time is running out. Will I ever find what I’m looking for?

Disheartened

Dear Disheartened,

Indulge me and answer this question on a scrap piece of paper: what constitutes the “perfect” partner? And what is your “type”? Do they have a certain height, a certain age, a certain background or job? What do they look like? What do they sound like? What do they do at the weekends – and how do they dress?

Now indulge me again and take that piece of paper, with everything you’ve written down – and burn it (or, at least, rip it up and throw it in the bin). Take out a new piece of paper. Write down the values you consider important – in yourself and in others. This might include: kindness, to people and to animals. It might include compassion, or patience. It might include being driven and tenacious. It might be being spontaneous and carefree. It might be being pragmatic and careful. Make those your “dealbreakers” – and scrap the rest.

I am wondering if, thanks to the “swipe-heavy” gameification of dating apps – which encourage us to base our perceived compatibility on looks and metrics (like height, hair colour and so on) – you might have become set on abstract criteria when looking for your “perfect” match, rather than focusing on the qualities and matches that might make the “perfect” partner – for you.

And that’s the other thing, you see: for there is no such thing as the “perfect partner”. We’re all human, we’re all flawed – with our own foibles and failings; our own stubbornness and irritating personal habits. Some of us snore, some of us are woefully untidy, we are all capable of being thoughtless or unkind. Most of us stumble along trying to do good. But “perfection” doesn’t exist outside of movies (or Paul Mescal).

Might you have a rather unrealistic set of ideals that are preventing you from giving another mere mortal a chance – and of saying “yes” to a second date? After all, if we set out looking for “perfection” then nobody is going to match up. It’s doomed before it’s even begun.

If this feels plausible, then I have a few theories as to why: one is that in searching for the ideal, “perfect” match, we can keep ourselves safe.

How? Well, because deep-down we know nobody is going to meet our stringent criteria – which means we don’t have to risk getting close enough to be real and vulnerable with someone. Have you ever considered that discarding potential mates because they’re not “perfect” might actually be a way of guarding yourself from risking a real relationship – with all of its gritty, terrifying (but ultimately rewarding) intimacy?

A sidenote: I want to applaud you for all your efforts. It sounds like you’ve been ploughing yourself into the often unsatisfactory world of dating with the best of intentions and determination – going to a salsa dancing class is a brilliant idea.

And, for what it’s worth, I believe that the more we choose real-world encounters as a way to open up the possibility of connecting with other people – platonically or romantically – the more fulfilling our lives will become.

You’re doing all the right things – the key to successful dating lies in making yourself open to opportunity. And you could now think of expanding that to the other imperfect person sitting opposite you – simply by saying “yes” to a second date.

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