Give the government a break over coronavirus – let’s be honest, they’ve got a bit more on than we have right now

I don't believe the people in charge are moustache-twiddling baddies exploiting coronavirus to cull a generation of old codgers

In yet another one of my radical edgelord “takes”, I’m going to say that I don’t think the prime minister actively wants old people to die, or to kill off culture.

I know, the Danger Man of British comedy strikes once again. But Twitter, as in almost every instance, can’t deal with a fast-moving situation and the fallibility of all leaders. The forum which has done the most for the concept of “non-binary” has, once again, proven itself incapable of dealing with grey areas.

“This aged well” now applies to 70% of all tweets sent in the two hours prior to the latest daily briefing. It’s not that I have blind faith in the government or its scientific advisors. My approach to this virus, as with most things, is a mix of apathy and optimism – aptamism. I can’t do anything about the bigger picture, so I might as well believe that the people in charge aren’t moustache-twiddling baddies exploiting the situation to cull a generation of old codgers.

Yes, they might not cover all the bases in one go, but I believe they’ll get there in time. Riffing out economic policy on the fly isn’t like noodling out a two-minute guitar solo. Let’s be honest: at this point in time, they’ve got a little bit more on than we have. While the likes of me are pattering around home deluding myself that I’m finally going to get that sitcom pitch done, they are at the coal face of a pandemic.

There is also a risk for the left in trying to pin the relative of success or failure of the UK’s strategy solely on Boris. The public will, when this is all said and done, look at how the UK has fared compared to other countries. If the UK is seen to have coped reasonably well, the credit could largely go to Johnson, despite him simply being a figurehead for a huge coalition of economic and scientific expertise. The bloke who got Brexit done will then be swanning around claiming he got the virus done, too.

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When I say left, I mean the online left. Politicians have had a lot of stick for their conduct over the last few years, but the supportive reaction across the house has been impressive. A few months ago, PMQs was stoking up the nation, now it’s oddly reassuring. It’s gone from Eastenders to The Archers.

Fortunately for Johnson, he has Rishi Sunak by his side, who seems impossibly reassuring for a man of his age. How is he this composed by before hitting forty? I hereby name him Rishi Lifehack. It’s kind of sobering for a man whose career only got going in his early forties to see a many of thirty-nine becoming chancellor during a crisis with an air of “what took you so long?” Either Rishi is a once-in-a-generation talent, or he’s downing beta-blockers like they’re Smints.

While some people step up to the plate, we are also currently seeing the less stable elements of the public psyche. I don’t even mind the idea that some people are buying more food than they used to. However, I do have a hunch it’s the same bloody people at Tesco every single morning, people for whom panic-buying has become a compulsion; they can’t relax until they’re home with a vat of hand sanitniser and a bottle of Calpol for the child they don’t have.

However, even the worst panic-buyers will ultimately have to reckon with cupboard space. Besides, I don’t understand the obsession with pasta and tomatoes anyway. If we do go into full lockdown, it’ll be so mind-numbingly boring I’ll only be eating fun stuff. After Eights on a bed of waffles with a Yazoo jus.

Maybe we could just shift panic-buyers’ attention. Tell them that buying stocks and shares works like a vaccine; hey go straight out and buy loads of shares in Virgin; the economy steadies; we all come through this ok.