How convenient for Boris Johnson that the science on coronavirus ‘changed’ – that way he was never wrong

Does evolution not work now? Does E no longer equal mc squared, but rather two daffodils and a satsuma?

Last week, as the rest of the world took drastic measures to stop the spread of coronavirus, Boris Johnson advised us to stay in if we had a cough, and not go on a cruise. To be fair, these are both excellent pieces of advice. He might have added: “Furthermore, I advise to always keep a cactus in the sunlight, and don’t put piranhas in a kiddies’ paddling pool.”

Back then, he believed in the theory of “herd immunity” that no one else accepted, but this week, he assured us we had to go “much further”, and do the things that last week he said we didn’t need to. The reason? “The science has changed.”

For science to change in the middle of a pandemic is astonishing bad luck. But he needs to give us more details: does evolution not work now? Does E no longer equal mc squared, but rather two daffodils and a satsuma?

But he must be right, because the only other explanation for the u-turn is that the government was wrong, and that’s impossible.

It’s no wonder they’ve closed the schools, then – the science textbooks are all wrong.

The one issue everyone seems agreed upon is the virus can’t spread as quickly if fewer people are in close contact with each other. So it’s essential to convince people to stay at home, rather than travel and be at work all day.

This must be why, rather than tell workplaces to close, as has happened in other countries, he’s “advised it”. This is the usual way to deal with urgent health matters. It’s why they should change the law on throwing your faeces into the street, and instead of making it illegal, just “advise” that you use the toilet.

Theatres, comedy clubs and restaurants were waiting to see if they’d be closed, but if the government ordered the closure, as they have elsewhere, that could leave insurance companies liable. So now there are thousands of bars and restaurants still open, because they fear the cost of closure, and thousands of staff obliged to go and work in them, because they fear the sack if they don’t. Maybe science will surprise us again and show that if people fear the sack, they’re more likely to take a risk and go to work.

So the whole policy of keeping people apart is far less effective, but thankfully the government has stopped the insurance companies from worrying and that’s what most of us have been concerned about more than anything else.

In France, President Macron announced a suspension of rent and utility bills, and a state fund to ensure no business went bankrupt. But that’s all a bit draconian, so Boris Johnson has been much smarter by “advising” people that if they run out of money, not to go bankrupt.

At first, no support was offered to anyone who has to pay rent. Luckily that won’t make much of a difference as only one-third of the country pays rent, and we can’t get obsessed about minorities at a time like this.

In any case, their worries can be put aside now, because the government is introducing a law to prevent anyone from being evicted due to arrears that build up during this time. So now tenants have nothing to be bothered about, as they can rack up a bill of five thousand pounds and then pay it once it’s over by getting a couple of extra jobs, such as writing a column in The Telegraph.

More evidence that they're on top of the situation is that every day we’re told how many cases there are, with a number based on the tests, most of which have been carried out only on people who have gone to the hospital thinking they have it.

Even people at home who think they have it aren’t often tested. So the figures are probably many times higher than suggested, in the same way you might give a figure too low, if you stated “I’ve looked at three people’s eyes, and from my study I conclude there are two people in Britain with blue eyes”.

If you do think you’ve caught it, the advice is to call NHS 111. Apparently this eases symptoms because you can listen for however long you like to a recorded message telling you they can’t answer your call, as there are a lot of people calling NHS 111 at the moment. The dulcet tones reduce the fever and soothe the respiratory system. It’s a method devised by some Buddhist monks in Tibet. Whenever they felt stressed, instead of chanting Om they repeat the mantra: “Due to the spread of Coronavirus, unfortunately our lines are all busy at the moment” – and they’re immediately they find inner peace.

To further the reassurance, Johnson informed us “we in Britain are leading the fight” against the disease – because we in Britain are doing what everywhere else has done, only three weeks later.

When the horse racing eventually comes back on, Boris Johnson should be a guest commentator. “Mustard and Pepper there,” he’ll gasp, “number 14, leading the fight to a marvellous victory, by falling at the first fence and being taken away in a lorry.”

And when this is all finished, and the government discovers half the country’s bankrupt, this won’t be because they made any mistakes, it will be because the science will have changed. Seven is now 26, and five is three-eighths.