The Sketch: 'We not only saved the world,' said Gordon...

The Tory party bounced off its benches like a trampoline party of five-year-olds. While yet in mid-air they were pointing, waving, slapping their legs. Desmond Swayne's hair leapt from his head like jazz hands. Andrew Robathan died momentarily and was resuscitated by sheer physical pleasure at what he had heard.

"We not only saved the world," Brown had said. That's what electrified the hall. "We not only saved the world," and before he could finish his sentence a small fuse shorted in his brain; he'd glanced down to his notes. A heartbeat passed. It was enough. He'd wanted to say, "We not only saved the world banking system," but that piece of vainglory had spawned a far greater statement.

We saved the world! That's the royal we, incidentally. "I, Gordon! Saver of Worlds! The Brown Redeemer! Salvation of the International Financial Architecture! I Rose From the Dead, You Know! Look on my works, ye central bankers, and Despair!"

The Conservative rampage went on, the Speaker too diminished to restore order. The next thing we could hear in the gallery was Gordon saying, "Thirdly". Everybody liked it because it gave those of us who think that way the Freudian truth that Gordon suffers from identifiable delusions.

We who watched him in the Treasury committee during his wilderness years (he was Chancellor), knew these delusions well. Asked friendly questions by patsy members he'd react with a swarm of dates and data, streaming out of his mouth like flies. He couldn't be understood, the message was, because his wisdom came from another plane.

But when we read the transcripts it was obvious that the answers contained no wisdom. The poor fellow was suffering from cacalalia. We couldn't understand what he was trying to communicate because what he was saying was, "I am Gordon!"

He still suffers from this. Much of what we can understand is obviously untrue, and the things we can't are the result of untreated cacalalia. In the first category belongs his constantly repeated assertion: "The Tories would do absolutely nothing!" And in the second, most of his response to the causes of the bust.

Has anyone heard how he will actually reform the IMF? The new "transparency" he talks about – how does that work? Why do we still not know how many toxic assets are in the banking system? Gordon saved the world! By the cruel logic that governs very political statements, he will end up doing the opposite.

The slightest recovery will hoover up all his printed money into hyper-inflation, followed by tyranny, world wars, and the extinction of the species. Bet on it, you'll get good odds. And the Sketch is never wrong.

simoncarr@sketch.sc