The Sketch: Time is ripe for Mr Thing - if only he weren't so useless

What would you have given William Hague as a performer in the House? Seven out of ten? Eight, on his day? By those standards poor Mr Thing struggles for a three. He's really one or two, when he scores at all.

But something must be working in the Tory communications strategy.

They're cunning, these fellows. They've managed our expectations so low that we have forgotten how bad poor Mr Thing is. When he doesn't actually throw up on the dispatch box, it counts as a win.

Surely there is no better time to be an opposition leader. Opportunities are everywhere. The sense of disaster in the body politic is palpable.We're witnessing a massive collapse of systems and budgets. We're on the brink of war.

There's everything an opposition wants. Debt. Destruction. Death. Deteriorating public accounts. The reform process is a sham. Public sector pay increases are about to pump up interest rates and start the slow-motion collapse of the economy. If an opposition leader can't lift his party in the polls under these conditions he never will.

Poor old Mr Thing has no policy, no presence, no appeal, and no prospects. So what the hell does he think he's doing, leading the Conservative Party? That looks so unpleasant there, written like that. After all, he's doing his best. And goodness knows, David Davis wouldn't do any better (he failed again to land a glove on his monstrous opposite, John Prescott). But Mr Davis's hair is growing thin on top, and come its disappearance the leadership will, by the mysterious powers that govern Tory life, pass to him for another five years of party flatlining.

This week, Mr Thing varied his routine by asking all his six questions in one go (normally they are split up into two or three tranches). The groans got louder, and even though he was talking about people dying (which usually shuts the animals up) he failed to command the attention of the his own party, let alone the government.

His questions pointed out the following. That one third of all ambulance trusts are not prepared for a chemical or biological attack. There was confusion about whether or not the Algerians arrested were gong to attack the Tube. There were questions over whether firemen were going to decide individually to respond to terrorist attacks. And there was confusion about troops crossing picket lines. There was something in each of his questions, but out of the many essentials Mr T lacks, the foremost are: forensic ability, and wallop. Without those he shouldn't exert himself.

"The Government must end the confusion," Mr Thing said, "and not argue among themselves in public." That got a great roar of laughter. How could he say that out loud? Was it a joke? It wasn't funny so it probably was.

Charles Kennedy tapped into the day's line of questioning – a defence chief had made a declaration that the armed forces would find fighting difficult because they were massively overstretched. But not nearly as overstretched as the Conservative leadership.

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