The Sketch: Poor Mr Thing – the Labour hooligans see his mouth as an open goal

In Northern Ireland questions, two thirds of question time was taken up with government filibustering. Minister Reid's bilges were fully pumped out on to the floor of the House. The Speaker couldn't stop it. Why not? His authority over the House is less than the Dormouse's was over the Mad Hatter's tea party.

The only person more secure in his job than the Speaker is Mr Thing, the leader of the Whatnots. Both of them are pleasant fellows, neither of them have any talent for what they are doing, but – or, as this is politics, so – they are immovably in place.

Poor Mr Thing, he starts to speak and the Labour hooligans view his mouth as an open goal. He stood up to the despatch box among the traditional chorus of "Shhhh! Shhhh!" and began with a question on the firefighters. "I rang up the Retained Firefighters Union and I asked them a simple question, which was ... " The goal gaped. "Who are you?" Stephen Pound fired one off from 40ft. Or perhaps he was the one with: "Speak up!" Speak up is a reference to ... oh, never mind. The crowd roared. Well, three quarters of the crowd did.

The Tories didn't roar, what there were of them. Their attendance is thinner than at any time in the last five years. Would you turn up if Beckham was being subbed by a bald unknown in a zimmer frame?

Tony Blair doesn't even try any more. You may be reminded of Hannibal Lecter eating that nurse's face (and she was resisting at the time, as you do): his pulse never even rose to normal. This is not to say Mr Blair performed creditably. In fact, he has rarely been so low. He responded to serious questions by putting a completely different question in poor Mr Thing's open mouth and answering that.

The first question was whether troops would be allowed to use the firefighters' modern equipment.

John Prescott had said this couldn't happen because the kit took three months' training. The real training times were these: five days to learn how to drive an engine, seven days to learn how to use cutting equipment and 10 days for breathing equipment. This is a powerful point and was followed with a sombre one. During the last strike, the 20-year-old Green Goddesses saw the death of two soldiers; 325 servicemen were also injured. These fire engines were now 50 years old. Would, therefore, troops be allowed access to the modern equipment? The Prime Minister said that sending troops into fire stations before the strikes had started would inflame the situation. Disgraceful, really.

Mr Thing went on to claim that clinical priorities were being distorted by government NHS targets. Half of consultants agree this is the case. Mr Blair said: "He wants to abolish waiting lists! He does! I know he's quiet but I heard that." Nobody else did.

Michael Portillo laughed at the Prime Minister's joke. That was so shocking I can't tell you any more about it. He still wants a job, you know. But not as leader of the Conservative Party. No, the Royal Opera House. Washington. Something in the Government's gift. So he laughed. At the Prime Minister's joke.

Why is Mr Thing's job secure? Anyone interested? Because the view in Barsetshire is that three glorious leaders have been destroyed by venal MPs. Any 25 Tories who sign the necessary form for a leadership election will be instantly deselected.

Homo sotto is with us for another year at least. God, a year's a long time in politics.

Simoncarr75@hotmail.com