The Sketch: Mr Thing isn't what he used to be. But maybe he never was
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Your support makes all the difference.Hopeless, absolutely hopeless. Mr Thing has no sense of narrative whatsoever. He just doesn't understand the story he's featuring in. This is to say he did quite well at question time yesterday. He didn't do well exactly, nor perfectly well (which is worse). No, he did quite well which is below perfectly well and certainly not good, but better than he has been. So it was a disaster. The scene will end up on the cutting-room floor, but here it is anyway.
Picture the packed house under the ancient rafters. The same sort of cheerful crowd that used to assemble for public hangings waited for the condemned man to be brought out.
Labour cheered, and rattled its order papers. When the time came, the old codger in the chair called the name, whatever it is, and Labour cheered again. So the Tories cheered too. Then Labour went "Shhhhh!" and the Tories obediently did so. Homo piano asked his first question and a hush fell on the House. Labour were winded. Their collapse created a mood and the Opposition leader was the beneficiary of it. This mood phenomenon is powerful but capricious. When it is with you, you can't be stopped and when it is against you, you can't be heard, however fortissimo you are.
The new Education minister had refused to rule out top-up fees. So, yes or no, Mr Thing asked, will you or won't you introduce top-up fees for university students? The Labour backbenches know these things are as popular as compulsory fox-hunting and their fear was suddenly palpable. Tony Blair answered: "I don't believe the issue is top-ups", going on through outraged cries of "Answer!" to muse on problems facing universities.
To his credit, Mr Thing managed to make the House understand the issue was indeed top-ups. But it was up to us to deconstruct the Prime Minister's evasions and prevarications.
Charles Kennedy won. He asked for an undertaking that Mr Blair would never introduce top-ups. Then we understood these fees will be introduced, perhaps with compensating scholarships for the poor, but not after the next Labour victory.
Poor Mr Thing, he simply doesn't have the deadliness to fight the Prime Minister. Mr Blair was letting Mr Thing off the hook because he prefers a weak Opposition leader. The issue, as Mr Blair would have it, is not whether Mr Thing did well or less well. The issue is: what would Ken Clarke have done with that material? In politics, all important things are unknowable. But maybe we'll find out anyway.
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