The Sketch: Mr Blair, call me and I will tell you the ministers' secrets

Mr Brown sits on the front bench like a caged ape. Huge, contained, restless. Not King Kong but a pretender to the ape throne. He looks around anthropomorphically. He juts his chin and points his face this way and that. He waits. He makes gestures to himself, he smoothes his hair (once by putting his whole arm over the top of his head to pat down the other side).

Mr Brown sits on the front bench like a caged ape. Huge, contained, restless. Not King Kong but a pretender to the ape throne. He looks around anthropomorphically. He juts his chin and points his face this way and that. He waits. He makes gestures to himself, he smoothes his hair (once by putting his whole arm over the top of his head to pat down the other side).

He chatters with Jack Straw; they groom each other, looking for parasites. No, it's not a pretty sight. Jack Straw appears to think he's going to be Gordon's deputy. That may mean Chancellor. Jack will do what he's told, after all, and Gordon wouldn't have it any other way in the Treasury. Great apes need lesser apes. But then so do we fleas in the gallery.

Michael Howard sought to undermine the Prime Minister's moral base. The Prime Minister's moral base reminds me of Swiss cheese: it smells funny and is full of holes. Having for years denounced the Tories for moral failure, Mr Blair has now swung behind the opposite view. That's wise. The intelligence services must have told him the exact number of cabinet ministers who are currently engaged in extra-marital affairs. If they haven't (and goodness knows they're not famous for intelligence gathering) he should give me a call, the news desk will give him my mobile number, if he can confirm his identity.

At any rate, he wasn't going to fall for Mr Howard's suggestion of a permanent committee to investigate the current misdemeanours. Alleged misdemeanours. Alleged irregularities. Alleged acts of simple helpfulness of one human being trying to do their best for another soul. Mr Blair insisted setting up these bodies on a case by case basis. Sometimes you need a Butler, you see, and sometimes a Hutton.

Mr Blunkett rather let the side down by admitting that he had made a mistake in using the £180 rail tickets which were intended "for MPs' spouses". According to modern logic, the girlfriend indeed was a spouse.

She just wasn't Mr Blunkett's.

As Kimberly Quinn she was a spouse. As Kimberly Fortier she was for three years "of" which is "in a possessive or genitive relationship with" an MP. Therefore, she was fully and properly entitled to tickets for MPs' spouses.

Perhaps you think I'm trying to be funny. Michael Howard says crime fell 18 per cent under his regime, Mr Blair says, on the contrary, it rose 18 per cent "so let's have no more of that!" The statistics smell worse than gorgonzola.

Will Mr Brown be better? Mr Letwin says productivity growth is falling, Mr Brown says it is rising. Mr Letwin quotes the "actual" rate, Mr Brown quotes the "underlying trend rate". They say the NHS maintenance backlog is a quarter of what it was - they've redefined it into a "risk-adjusted" backlog. Mr Brown says he is reducing regulation but Mr Letwin says he's brought in 20,000 new ones. Listen to Mr Brown tomorrow and hold your nose.

simoncarr75@hotmail.com