The Sketch: All hail the Beckett-o-tron answer-scrambling device
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.Margaret Beckett isn't a minister at all, she's an answering machine. She's one of those variegated answering machines that drive you mad by asking you questions you don't want to hear: "If you require an answer of stupefying banality, press one. Now. If you require an answer of stultifying nullity, press two. Now. If you don't require an answer at all, press three." You're an aficionado of these proceedings, and you can tell the difference between three such finely scumbled options.
"My honourable friend makes an interesting point and I will undertake to consider it." Or: "There are many examples of expressions of concern in different countries about this." Or: "I can certainly tell him discussions are continuing. We will continue to explore it with relevant authorities, and it will be for them to make a judgement on the question." Or: "It's important we lay foundations for ameliorating the problem."
One of these answers – it doesn't matter which – corresponds to a question about human flesh being smuggled into Britain for black magic rituals. Another asked about the great crime against humanity that is the Common Agricultural Policy. It's all mud to Mrs Beckett. Every question gets the same computer-generated response.
David Lidington – shadow minister to watch – confronted her with her inability over eight months to do something as simple as change the wording on landing cards to tell people it's illegal to bring dead apes and human body parts into the country. It's part of her "action plan". It's "a commitment". It's now "eight months old". She's unable to bring it about.
"That's an interesting little rant," she said, "but not related to the facts." Oh, really? In what way? She offered a private briefing to tell about the difficulties involved.
What? Not there and then? No, that's not what the Commons is for.
The European Commission issued a report demonstrating how grossly the Government mismanaged the foot-and-mouth epidemic and how massively they falsified figures to conceal it. Mrs Beckett said the EC had made a "sensible report". But then it had been spoiled by Conservative and Green members who changed it into a "rant against the Government". Another rant. Criticism is a) disloyal, and b) ranting.
Tony Blair was voted Parliamentarian of the Year by The Spectator. An unusual error by the editor, Boris Johnson MP (how would he know? He's never in the chamber). No, Tony Blair's skills are pretty push-button, too.
His answers to any questions begin: "That is precisely why" and go on to recite the latest initiative. Or: "I agree this is a cause for concern, there have been improvements but there is much to do (followed by "that is precisely why".) Or: "Public servants are doing a really fantastic job and it's not right they should be pilloried by Tories who doubled crime."
No, for Parliamentarian of the Year I propose Speaker Martin, and will elaborate the case for him on Monday. Hats off!
Join our commenting forum
Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies
Comments