Scarlett Thomas: When the sun comes out, why do men go the way of all flesh?

The sun is out, and sois reasonable attire – if you're a man, that is. Women seem to manage OK in these confusing days of early summer. They just stick a skimpy vest on with their jeans. They do not, like men, tend to put on shorts at the earliest opportunity. So why do Englishmen do it? On the evidence of the early part of last week, it couldn't be something anyone could actually enjoy. Especially not with what seems to be the accessory du jour: black socks. Either black socks with old, smelly-looking trainers or, intriguingly, black socks with those sandals they sell in trainer shops. Why?

Would they overheat if they just wore jeans? Call me cruel, but losing a few men to leg-melting disease would be a small price to pay for not having to look at their legs. Where they buy these shorts is a mystery, too. Most stylish men's clothes are bought by women. Men must sneak off at daybreak to buy these shorts, unsupervised. And they all come in military colours, as if your suburban male needs to be equipped to go into the jungle in khaki or into the desert wearing camouflage polyester that doesn't even reach his knees.

The longer shorts get, the sillier they become. Clam diggers, Capri pants: these are ridiculous inventions. You can imagine the fashion people planning it. "So, what's the stupidest thing we can make men wear?" Blank looks all round. Then someone has a stroke of genius. "We'll sell them trousers, but with the bottoms cut off. Like those sailors used to wear." Silence. Then a lone voice: "Won't that just look too appalling? Can we get away with that?" Marketing guy: "Sure we can, we'll just show them some pictures of kids with skateboards wearing them. That'll work."

Something tells me that today's clam diggers must have been invented in America, and maybe US kidsget away with wearing this stuff. In rainy England, American surf clothes just look a little bit sad. Hawaiian shirts – traditionally a summer favourite and always, I think, worn with a sense of irony – need to be carried off with some kind of style, and not combined with shorts and black socks. Thank God most men have given up bum-bags, still to be rivalled in the depths of sartorial disaster – except by baseball caps.

Only Italian men can wear daft clothes and look cool. They seem able to ride around on mopeds, with sunglasses on their foreheads, wearing trousers of almost any length. Perhaps the black socks and military shorts combo would flummox even them, though. Maybe it is the ultimate anti-fashion statement. Which makes me wonder. Disturbing though it is, perhaps we should be embracing it, after all. No magazine told these men to do this. And if the alternative is the women's-erotic-fantasy man from high-street clothing ads and catalogues – the guy with the glass of wine, reclining in "lightweight" beige clothes with a sweater casually knotted around his neck – maybe the horrible shorts can stay, after all. But not the clam diggers. There's just no excuse for those.