Matthew Bell: The <i>IoS</i> diary

Just as it seemed safe to open 'The Times' without risking a poke in the eye from another of Cherie's gynaecological revelations, Alastair Campbell writes in. He issues a less than rapid rebuttal about the charge that he referred to André Suard, Cherie's hairdresser, in terms less mannerly than those we have come to expect of him. "Before 'you're only a f***ing hairdresser' replaces 'we don't do God' as my most quoted remark, could I make clear that while I did say 'we don't do God'... I have never described Andre Suard as 'only a f***ing hairdresser' to anyone. There are other direct quotations attributed to me in your recent serialisation of Cherie Blair's book which were not accurate, but this is the one I would like to deny." (Etiquette experts will note that the courtly Campbell makes it a rule to save his harshest words for those at or above his level.)

Zadie Smith set the bar unimaginably high for thrusting young novelists when she landed a £250,000 advance for her first book aged 19. But it seems it wasn't just her precocious prose-writing talent that landed her that first contract. Her agent, Andrew "the jackal" Wylie, famous for handling egos such as Amis and Rushdie, explains: "Zadie Smith wrote a cover letter ending, 'I'm six foot tall. I'm 19 years old, and I don't exactly look like the back of a bus.' I thought, 'Nice cover letter."'

The cruise ship launched by the Duchess of Cornwall only six months ago has crashed into the harbour on arriving in Malta. Passengers on the £300m Queen Victoria, described as "a sonnet in motion", have been delayed while the damage to the stern is assessed. Seadogs say the ship could be cursed – when Camilla launched her in December the champagne bottle failed to break, traditionally a sign of bad luck. A month later, 80 passengers were struck with the norovirus. And now this.

Should David Cameron win the next election the 'Daily Telegraph' may regret getting so cosy with Gordon Brown and losing many senior journalists with top Tory contacts. Fortunately the paper has maintained ties with former editor Charles Moore, who has become an adviser to the party. Last week, he joined Andrew Mitchell, the Shadow Minister for International Development, on a five-day tour of Afghanistan. But he is somewhat reticent when I ask about the trip. "Um, ah, I'd rather not tell you what I think as I want to write about it," he says.

Veteran broadcaster Cynthia Kee has been knocked off her bike and rings to complain about the Kafkaesque nightmare she finds herself in while dealing with the Metropolitan Police. "They say no further action can be taken because the accident report book has been lost!" says the former wife of presenter Robert Kee. "The incompetence is staggering. Dealing with the police is like trying to nail jelly to a wall. And at the top of the letter it says, 'Working for a safer London'!" Mayor Boris is no fan of Met chief Sir Ian Blair – shouldn't his days be numbered?

Forget Carla Bruni, there's a new Mrs Sarkozy in the offing. The French President's tousle-haired son Jean, 21, has announced his engagement to Jessica Darty, who, like Carla, has the handy advantage of being heir to a large fortune. Young Sarko has already followed his father into politics and is now following suit with a large society wedding, scheduled for 2 July.

As everyone from Gore Vidal to Jimmy Carter piles into Hay-on-Wye for the annual book fest, a small trail of forlorn figures can be seen leaving the Welsh border town. It's the BBC's journalists, who have no mobile phone reception after the Beeb recently switched operator. But I'm told they have discovered a small knoll outside town where there is a signal, and there they queue, each going up to ring in their copy, one by one.

Meanwhile, ensconced in one of the Hay pavilions, Cherie Booth couldn't resist a dig at those irksome royals when giving a talk, ostensibly on woman's equality, yesterday. "When the Queen Mother was alive, whenever Tony and I went on holiday or out of the country we had to take a black outfit with us in case the Queen Mother died while we were away," she groaned. And to think she had to carry her luggage herself!

m.bell@independent.co.uk