I'm Michael Barrymore... get me out of here

If anyone catches you watching 'Three nuns in a Shower', you can say it's a gripping political thriller

Terrifyingly, it seems that the contestants of that show where they were all in the jungle have done well out of appearing in it, so celebrities with image problems will be desperate to get on the next series. It must be almost certain that Barrymore's on it, and after the welcoming party Ant and Dec will be beaming: "So from our eight original celebrities we're down to three. And we haven't started voting people off yet."

How appalling does a show have to be for Christine Hamilton to deservedly come third out of eight? Instead of being offered showbiz contracts, it should be made illegal for the others to be offered any work doing anything, then when they turn up at the Jobcentre they should be refused dole and told: "You deservedly came behind Christine Hamilton in a popularity contest and so are disqualified from all benefits."

Instead, Nell McAndrew, it's reported, has been offered a million pounds to make a video. You can see why psychoanalysts might be interested in it as a unique case study in stupidity. Across Europe the top shrinks would shake their heads and mutter: "Fascinating, just fascinating." And Rhona Cameron is "talking to ITV chiefs about a possible comedy or chat show". Well, I can reveal that the comments many people have made, along the lines of "if she's a comedian why does she never say anything funny?" are unfair. A few years ago, when the BNP won a council seat on the Isle of Dogs, a group of about 60 comedians produced and distributed a leaflet imploring people not to re-elect this councillor. One of the only people who showed no interest in taking part was Rhona, who gave the magnificent excuse: "I'm a lesbian – isn't that being political enough?" So, if anyone catches you watching "Three nuns in a shower" promising "the hottest girl-on-girl action" you can tell them it's a gripping political thriller.

The mistake that the entertainment world seems consistently to make is to assume that because people are well known, they must be popular. But in reality, most people are more discerning. Celebrities can open fêtes, but just because everyone knows who the weatherman is doesn't mean anyone would pay to see him do a live show. That's why celebrities are often shocked when their status is put to any test, such as the splendid statistic that Anthea Turner's biography sold just 451 copies in its first week – a fact that, in these dark days of impending war, is vital to cling on to as proof of the positive side of the human spirit.

One celebrity trick, used to justify their status, is to pretend there are finely honed skill required to project their inanities. For example, TV presenters love to talk about the artistry involved in reading an autocue. And it's true, it is an art – it's called reading out loud. You read the bloody words and as you read them you say them and that's it. The words aren't diagonal or in several different languages or in a giant anagram, they're on a screen in letters the size of the top line of an optician's test. So a presenter looks at them, says: "Hello, I'm in Maidstone where I'm about to visit the home of the biggest collection of sellotape in the South-east. Let's take a look." And if they get it wrong they do it again.

So the jungle celebrities will be on lots of things, but no one would actually be bothered if they all disappeared. Because even the most shallow people reserve their admiration for bands or comics or actors or sportsmen who do something inspiring, and they are only briefly fascinated by someone whose talent is to be on the telly a lot.

And just being known for being on the telly is mostly an admission of failure. I cannot imagine that there was ever an actor who said when in drama school: "I may be unknown now, but one day I shall stand in the wings as the camera awaits, prepare myself mentally, stroll on to the set, look deep into the lens and, with all my power, project 'Why not consolidate all your existing loans into one easy-to-manage monthly payment?'"

It's the media itself that can't seem to grasp this. Your talent can involve no more than being the wife of a disgraced MP, but you're hailed as a star. This is how most of the media judge people, which is why you hear them saying things like: "I don't know anything about what he did in his job, but when I met him Pol Pot was really nice. And very witty when we had him on the afternoon show."

Saddam himself seems to have picked up on this, which is why he's dropping these stories into the Western press about liking Quality Street chocolates. He's trying to become a Western celebrity. In a few weeks he'll be on Through the Keyhole and the subject of features such as "My Favourite Soup" in the Radio Times. And if none of this works, seeing as he's likely to be out of work by next summer with a declining profile, he can join Ant and Dec in the jungle, boosting his image by conciliating between Barrymore and Robert Mugabe, who for some reason don't get on.