Jill Jacobs: This year, I'll only make resolutions that I can keep

That I don't smoke is not a deterrent. Eliminating the possibility of failure results in success

Though I joined an expensive health club at the start of last year, I barely made it to the gym and, instead of cutting my credit-card debt in half, I tripled it. I quit eating chocolate for about a week and I still swear like there's no tomorrow. Does this make me a loser or just someone who should finally face the truth?

Perhaps I run in the wrong circles spending time with people possessing no willpower, but no one I know is able to keep their new year resolutions, least of all me. And while vowing to eat more healthily and quit excessive spending can be a positive thing, making resolutions and not being able to keep them can prove to be damaging to one's self-esteem.

That's why this year I will be doing things a little differently. While I'll still be making my new year resolutions, I will do so in a fashion that will ensure success. Instead of making myself crazy trying to lose those 10 extra pounds I invariably gain during the holidays or vowing to give up coffee forever, I plan to embrace my foibles this new year.

I resolve to stop dieting, skip the gym and embrace a lighter me

If twig-like women can ask, "Does this outfit make me look fat?" why can't I develop a bit of a body image problem that works to my advantage? While trying to squeeze into my size 10s that no longer fit, I won't needlessly wonder if I should buy a new pair of jeans. No more exhausting trips to the gym in search of the perfect bod where I'm forced to exercise with a bunch of people huffing and puffing in cramped quarters while the stale scent of sweat permeates the air. This year, when I look in the mirror, I will envision myself a size smaller at all times and exude a confidence once reserved for only the leanest among us.

I resolve to quit smoking

The fact that I don't smoke should not be a deterrent from making this one of my resolutions. To the contrary, eliminating the possibility of failure results in success for me. As a result of accomplishing my goal, I am less stressed, sleep better and experience a general sense of accomplishment and well-being. And isn't that what's important?

I resolve to spend less time searching for "Mr Right"

If he exists, he's going to have to meet me half way. Not spending inordinate amounts of time at the produce section of the supermarket trying to come up with witty repartee about fruit during not-so-chance meetings with unsuspecting prospective "Mr Jacobs" will result in less wasted time on dates with "Mr Wrongs", and translate into more time for me. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet "him" when I least expect it and I'm sure to save a bundle shopping by eliminating frequent purchases of unwanted fruit.

I resolve to give up the following activities – none of which I have ever tried nor have any interest in pursuing

Bungee jumping, snow-boarding, ice fishing, cliff diving, parachuting, hang gliding, shot putting, dog-sledding, skeet shooting, fox hunting, javelin throwing – all a thing of the past that never was, or in the words of George Bush Snr: "Not gonna do it". And don't bother looking for me at the next Winter Olympics as my days of luging are definitely over – forever.

I resolve to sweat the small stuff

The small stuff, when ignored, eventually turns into the really big stuff. Spending lots of time obsessing ad nauseam about the minutiae of life, while tedious and time consuming, may ultimately drive those around you to flee faster than those unknowingly enrolled in a parenting course taught by Michael Jackson and thereby consigning you to a life of quiet desperation and isolation, but at least you will have taken charge and done things your way. And that can be very empowering.

I resolve to max out my credit cards and overspend freely, without guilt

By continuing my spending frenzy, I am aiding an ailing economy and, in my own inimitable way, not letting the terrorists win. My landlord, who is also American, will have to do his part in fighting the war on terror and stop freaking out every time I'm late with my rent, which of late is often due to my patriotic pledge and those outrageous after-Christmas sales.

I resolve to stop Bush bashing

After all, our current President is often misunderestimated. While his message may be subliminable, his ability to create new words on the spot is unparalleled and very useful to those who believe language is archaic and in need of a little sprucing up.

He is also doing his part in creating a safer environment for vacationing Americans. No need to worry any more about being attacked by wild animals when you're kicking back with your family in Alaska. Due to the Bush administration's proposed oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, they will soon all be extinct. So long Caribous, hello sport utility vehicles!

Next year, when we're bidding adieu to the old year and welcoming in the new, I will take my place among a select few who actually kept their new year resolutions. Success will be sweet, just like the year to come! Or I may end up bankrupt and obese. Either way, I have a feeling it's going to be a great year!