Deborah Ross: What men really need to know – as written by women

If you ask me: We've included a list of the 100 sexiest women who wouldn't look at you twice

If you ask me, I have decided to expand my magazine empire beyond Not OK! – the monthly for the non-aspirational woman who cannot turn her life around in 986 days, never mind 14 – to a publication for men, although, to distinguish this magazine in the market, it is written entirely by women and so, being for him by her, is called FHM (BHR).

Here at FHM (BHR), we have been working hard on the launch issue, which includes the following great features: So What If My Wife's Put On Weight Since Our Wedding Day (It Suits Her); Hot And Horny Sluts: Seriously, Love, If They Were Really Interested, Wouldn't They Have Called You By Now?; That Goatee Has To Go, My Friend; and Helping Out Round The House: It Can So Get You Laid!

Of course, we've included a list of the 100 sexiest women who wouldn't look at you twice, you big silly, have kicked off our in-depth Nice Thought, Never Going to Happen series with a guide to leaving everything behind and cycling across Canada, and there's a fashion special on what you might wear to stroll down your own particular boulevard of broken dreams. (Shackles are always good; look out for the new Paul Smith, stripy range coming soon!)

There is also advice on grooming – So, Fatty Borrowed Your Razor! Big Deal! – plus, instead of signing up a big name celebrity to road-test fast, sporty cars of the kind you will never be able to afford, let alone handle, we have signed up a nobody to test those second-hand people carriers with 138,000 miles on the clock and which will always smell of sick yet suit where you actually are in life. (Generally, when it comes to second-hand people carriers that always smell of sick and suit where you are in life, the Citroën Picasso is thought to be the best of its class, followed by the Ford Galaxy).

Naturally, there are plenty of How To guides: How To Pair Your Own Socks (fully illustrated); How To Scour Roasting Dishes; How to Cook More Than One Thing; How To Not Boast About The One Thing You Can Cook; How To Patiently Explain Who's Done What To Whom In Mafia Films, and, just to prove we're not all fluff and consumerism, a shock report which, in this issue, investigates what really goes into sausages. ("You'll never eat another sausage," promises our expert, meanly. "And next month? Kebabs.")

So, this is FHM (BHR), specially tailored to meet the needs of men who imagine they are sharp, smart metrosexual winners even though their women know otherwise and hope, if nothing else, they at least read this excellent article: Stacking The Dishwasher: It's My Way Or The Highway. What Part Of That Don't You Get?