Deborah Ross: This shampoo scandal just can't go on

If you ask me...

If you ask me, when I first read the headline "Shampoo Makes You Fat" – because of hormone-disrupting chemicals, apparently – I did not panic. I did not panic because, although you are not going to like this, and may even hate me for it, I will say it anyway: I can shampoo my hair as much as I like and not put on an ounce.

I'm just blessed in this way, I suppose, although I know it irritates the hell out of other women. "I only have to look at a bottle of Timotei for it to go straight to my hips," they will say. Or: "I can go without for two or three days but then the craving kicks in and, before I know it, I am in the shower, lathering up. I may even go in for second helpings and lather up twice. I have no self-discipline." Or: "I weigh 17 stone and, even though I try to distract myself by eating more and moving less, I can't resist washing my hair. No wonder this weight won't shift."

Honestly, I am sympathetic, and can see how hard restraint must be, particularly as shampoo is now so widely available – you can even buy it from your corner shop, if you don't mind Vosene – and so ruthlessly advertised. It may even be that if you take the Herbal Essences route you will also be awarded with an orgasm. (If it makes you feel better, Herbal Essences has never given me an orgasm. I am not blessed in this way, alas, as it would be handy to cut out the middle-man).

I don't know why the Government doesn't act to restrict consumption, or at least insist the chemical calorie content is listed on bottles. After all, it is said we're sitting on an obesity time bomb and although the date at which the bomb is due to go off in the UK has not been specified, one has already gone off in Florida and the results were horrific; bits of fat people flying about everywhere.

As one eyewitness put it: "I was walking along, minding my own business, when I suddenly got a muffin top to the side of my head. Knocked me out. I also got cellulite in one ear which, to this day, I am still trying to shake free. I blame John Frieda and his goddamn Frizz-Ease range."

So, unless you are as blessed as I am (sorry!) steer clear of shampoo, at least until next week when new research will probably reveal your slippers may be clogging your arteries, and you'll have something fresh to worry about. This is the way it generally works.