David Lister: And the award for worst speech ever goes to...

Every year at this time I'm reminded of one of my favourite performances at an awards ceremony. Accepting the best actress prize a few years ago, Vanessa Redgrave broke down in tears as she thanked the stage carpenter.

Ah, we shall not look upon her like again. We're in the thick of the awards season at the moment. The Oliviers and South Bank Show awards have just taken place; the Brits and Baftas are this week; and the Oscars are still to come. And every year they share one thing: the deplorable quality of acceptance speeches.

Occasionally, very occasionally, someone rises to the occasion and does a Vanessa. Martine McCutcheon didn't do badly when she received an Olivier award last Friday for her all-too-few appearances in My Fair Lady. Her emotional, voice-quivering "Nobody knows what I've been through" speech made many television viewers wish they had seen her actual performance – including many who had bought tickets for her actual performance.

But generally, from the people who earn their crust declaiming from a stage, we get the most boring speeches imaginable – simply lists of thank yous. Actors and actresses will employ stylists, hair and clothes advisers, for awards ceremonies. Why do they never think of employing a speech or gag writer? Just one backstage anecdote would break the dreadful monotony of successive thank-you lists. The words of the rock singer Cerys Matthews on receiving a Q award – that people in showbiz get enough perks and privileges without needing thanks as well – should be inscribed on every ceremony programme.

Not that thank yous can't be memorable. I savour the memory of Bob Carlton, writer and director of the musical Return to the Forbidden Planet, settling for a safe "thank everyone" speech, then suffering stage fright and forgetting everyone's name, including his mother's. Even the biggest names can dry up. At last year's Oliviers, Patricia Hodge had to say just one line, "Here are the nominations", and forgot it.

The best awards moments have occurred when the recipients have dispensed with thank yous and spoken from the heart. When Michael Caine got a Bafta fellowship he moaned that it had taken such a long time in coming. A gay costume designer used her speech at the Evening Standard Film Awards to castigate her host, the Evening Standard, for what she claimed was homophobia (She was banned from the after-show party for her pains).

My personal favourite: Ray and Dave Davies of The Kinks getting a lifetime achievement prize at the Q Awards. "But there's only one award," scowled Dave, forever in his brother's shadow, as he saw Ray take the trophy. "Have it, it's yours," Ray scowled back, making Dave scowl even more at his brother appearing generous. In that moment was captured 30 years of sibling rivalry and resentment.

That's what I want from the next batch of awards: some speaking from the heart, some confessions, some genuinely funny anecdotes and absolutely no thank yous.

Perhaps Sting can start the ball rolling when he receives a special achievement award at the Brits on Wednesday. "Now I know a lot of you guys have wondered how I can be a campaigning environmentalist and advertise cars at the same time. And some of you still want to know why I broke up The Police. Well, let me explain...."

And here are a few more suggestions for making those acceptance speeches a little more tantalising. Nicole Kidman: "Actually, the real reason I left him was...."

Kate Winslet: Ditto

Geri Halliwell: "When I said 'friendship is forever' I didn't mean the following so-called friends...."

Eminem: "Most of all, I'd like to thank my dear mum."

d.lister@independent.co.uk