Charles Nevin: Exit the slipper with headlights

I've never actually bought anything from the 'Innovations' catalogue, but I'll still miss it when it closes down

Forgive me if, today, I do not fully enter into the festival spirit of new life, resurrection and joyful hope. There is no spring in my stride or whistle on my lips. Has it started raining yet? No matter. They are closing down Innovations.

They are. An end to nearly 20 years of things you didn't know you needed until you saw them in the Innovations catalogue. Who can forget the slippers with headlights for avoiding stubbed toes in the dark? The combined radiator bleeder and drip collector? The light that flashed on when the whisky level in the glass fell below a comfortable level?

Can all this be over? Is the Age of Innovation really dead? Well, GUS, the owners, blame a downturn in home shopping rather than any national face-setting against experiment and adventure, or particular ennui with the shock of what's new, including the treeless hammock, £49.99, or the flashing golfball for twilight rounds, £14.99. More a case, then, of not being able to afford what you didn't know you needed.

But what sweet torment now, looking through these last offerings! Look there, for example, at the mobile phone tidy, £9.99. Who wouldn't want an end to that cable tangle while you're charging up? And, over there, with that hallmark uncanny prescience, is the perfect 50th birthday gift for the Prime Minister, an Abrams Tank, £99.99, choice of two colours, radio-controlled, 1:16, complete with sound generator that re-creates the boom of the main gun! And there's my old favourite, the At-a-Glance Motorised Tie Rack! A light push on the control bar rotates the rack in either direction, delivering the ties one at a time to the front, illuminated by a soft light to assist your selection in a dark closet (turns off 10 seconds after rotations stop). Batteries supplied. Still only £29.99.

No sign of the Trouser Robe, £39.95, "the more practical bathrobe, much more respectable when guests arrive unexpectedly". But the sensible appeals to the worries you didn't know you had remain: "Many things can cause a microwave to leak invisible but hazardous microwaves. Slamming the oven door, or food and dirt particles trapped in the seals and hinges, or just wear-and-tear. Well, now you can monitor your microwave for safety. The credit-card sized Microwave Guard measures the amount of radiation emitted, and shows the results in green and red lights. Magnetically fixes to microwave casing. No battery required. This £19.99 device could play an important role in protecting your family's health and safety." Crikey.

Innovations has never forgotten about your pets, either. This is an example of its thoughtfulness: "Looking for an instantly effective way to stop your pet clawing at upholstery, curtains and carpets? The answer is Sticky Paws, transparent double-sided adhesive strips ... They won't harm fabrics or furniture but your cat will absolutely hate the sticky feel on its paws..."

How shall I survive without this sort of thing? Where will all the people who think them up, often kitchen table inventors, go now?

There are consolations. Home Free, also owned by GUS, is still running. You must remember the talking condiments set: "Imagine the surprise your guests will get when they shake the pepper pot and it sneezes, and then the salt shaker says, 'Bless you'." I note, too, that offers include videos with "unique, rare footage of the Vatican". Don't forget, either, Blueprint's novelty donkey cigarette dispenser, or Bright Life's Praying Teddy, "When you squeeze his paws he recites 'Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep' in a child's voice. Nearly a foot high." Splendid. And one of these days I really must buy something.