I foresee no goode in Mesopotamia

Master Watkins » His Almanack, in which all is revealed

It hath been my Practice at this time of the Year to make my Predictions for the Year lying ahead, calculated with the Aid of Astrolabes, Compasses, and Sir I. Newton, his Opticks, to say nothing of Master Leibnitz, his Fluxions; as Examples of which I will give, that in the Month of June, there will be a very surprising Fitt of frosty Weather, which will last nine Days, and that in the Month of September there is a Plot against Master Anthony Blair.

My candid Friends have, however, inform'd me that, while there is great Instruction that can be got from a true Almanack, providing, as it doth, much Food for Contemplation in the early Days of January, when (as the Poet saith) Icicles hang by the Wall, they would none the less prefer, in all the Circumstances of the Case, to hear my free Thoughts upon the present State of Affairs; and these I now proceed to give, without Fear or Favor, in the Pay of no Party or Faction, and, indeed, quite out of publick Employment at the present Juncture.

In this Respect I find myself in the same Position as Mistress Estelle Morris, that was 'till recently put in charge of the Teaching of the Common-wealth's young Persons. She was the Daughter of my Lord Morris, a dextrous Man of Business in the People's Party of Wilson's Time, and in her Youth very nippy on the Wall-bars, in which Accomplishments she proceeded to offer Instruction at Academies for young Ladies at Coventry in Warwick-shire, before entering the Parliament-house.

But, alas, as a Minister of the more exalted Sort she discover'd that the Combination of Meetings, Memorandums, Stratagems, Plots, &c., &c., was altogether too much for her Constitution to bear, and struck her all of a Heap; which, to say the Truth, is nothing to be wonder'd at in Members of the present Administration, although most of 'em make a better Fist of Dissimulation and Concealment than Mistress Morris was able to manage on this Occasion.

It was not to be wonder'd at that the Harpies of Fleet-street took a close Interest in these Proceedings: one Faction holding that Mistress Morris had been Victim of a Conspiracy to hold back Womenfolk and to deprive them of their true Inheritance, as much in Politicks as in other Fields of Endeavor; the other Faction maintaining with an equal Vigor that, by her Resignation, she had sett back the Cause of Women in publick Life by severall Years.

On which of these Views is the correct one, I will make no Attempt to arbitrate at this Juncture, for fear of causing Offence, which it hath hitherto always been my great Purpose to avoid; except to note that the very same Phenomenon, viz., the division of the Fleet-street Harpies into two Partyes, oppos'd to each other, was to be observ'd, mutatis mutandis, in the Affair of Mistress Cherie Booth, that is Wife to Master Blair, and her Dealings with Master Peter Foster (from the Antipodes, and not to be confused with the Authour of the same name, now dead) concerning some Properties in Bristol.

As to this Episode, which caused so much Distress in the Ministry, and so much innocent Merriment in the publick Prints, I will make no farther Observations at this Stage, except to recall the Story of Uriah the Hittite that is in the second Book of Samuel, who was, as is related, placed in the Forefront of the Battle, so that he might be smitten, and die; in this Version the Position of Uriah being occupied by Mistress Blair, placed in the Forefront of the Battle by Master Alastair Campbell while Master Blair sat skulking in his Tent.

But, to say the Truth, Incidents of this Nature, which it would be taedious to enumerate in a Paper of this Length, hath had no Effect soever observable to the naked Eye upon the Esteem in which he or, rather, his Party is held by the Populace at large. The principall Opposition to him and Master Geo. Bush, their Warre in Mesopotamia, is under the Command of Master Tam Dalyell of the Binns, as he is correctly titled, that was at King's-coll. in Cambridge and in those Days a Tory.

Master Dalyell is assisted with great Ability by Master Charles Kennedy, a Scotchman likewise, of a rival Faction; Master Kennedy's great Design being to emulate his Predecessor, Master Herbert Henry Asquith, whose Object was to follow a Policy, as he express'd the Matter, of masterly Inactivity and who, like Master Kennedy in the present Age, was not averse from a Glass of strong Spirits.

For the sake of Completeness I should mention also His Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury, Doctor Rowan Williams, of Dissenting Stock, from Swansea in Glamorgan-shire, where the present Writer was born likewise, although that is nothing to the present Purpose. His Grace the Archbishop in manifestly a Person of great Holiness, great Eloquence, and great Learning, possessing the most perfect Knowledge of Latin, Greek, Hebrew, &c., &c., but not, up to the present Time, of English, or, at any rate, of that Variety of the Language which is commonly spoken in these Islands. This I can only rate as a grave Deficiency in his Endeavors to speak out against Master Bush and Master Blair's Warre in Mesopotamia, which must in the Nature of Things spread to the whole of Arabia, like the Puddle from a Pail of Milk that has been spill'd by a clumsy Milkmaid.

From Master Iain Duncan Smith and his Party there is nothing to be heard but the most compleat and absolute Silence in this Matter, although there are those in his Party who are none too happy at the Course of Events, e.g., Sir Peter Tapsell and Master Douglas Hogg. The great Difficulty is that 'tis impossible for the Observer of the passing Scene, who is himself unhinder'd by Prejudice and untied by Party, to tell with complete Exactness for how much longer Master Duncan Smith will remain at the Head of his Faction, for all his Enemies are now buzzing 'round him like Flies 'round a Horse's Head in the Summer.

My Lord Heseltine, that helped to bring my Lady Thatcher down anno. 1990, like a Statue in ancient Times crashing to the Ground from the Top of a Pillar, hath made the Proposal that the Tories at Westminster-hall should fix on Master K. Clarke and no other, presenting him to the Burgesses, Freeholders, and Knights of the Shires for Approval, Ratification and Endorsement, like Queen Elizabeth II at her Coronation anno. 1953; the Trouble with this grand Scheam being that the Tories of today are burthened by a Regimen of Rules, one of them that the Burgesses, &c., should be presented with two Candidates, one of whom would infallibly be Master David Davis or some other low Fellow. God Save the Queen.