Why women don’t need cosmetic surgery

It all started when Hollywood stars began smuggling inflatable beach balls in strategically placed bikinis.

Tanned, gravity defying and teamed with the type of washboard stomach most people could only achieve through amoebic dysentery, silicon jugs became all the rage. Fast forward 30 years and it’s not just our puppies we’re subjecting to brutal surgery. Everything from bingo wings to pinky toes can now be altered to achieve that elusive perfect body.

Though operations amongst men are on the rise, last year’s statistics show 90% of cosmetic procedures are performed on women. And in a world where Cheryl Cole’s itty bitty proportions are headline news, it’s easy to see how you’d be tempted to try a nip and tuck. In the interest of saving your sanity and bank balance, here’s a few reasons to say no the knife.

1. We’re under enough beauty pressure

Whether it’s a vagina resembling refrigerated poultry skin or a cloud of effortlessly bouncy K Middy curls, our extensive list of beauty desires is ever growing. Even body parts that were previously only scrutinised in colonoscopy exams are being ‘ prettified’ with torturous sounding procedures such as ‘anal bleaching’ and ‘buttjazzles’. (Alright I made up the last one. But I’ll bet you a fiver some Californian house wife will have wedged a few diamantes between her spray tanned bum cheeks by the end of this year.) Call me old fashioned but I’ve always considered the anus to be a functioning part of the human digestive system, not an opportunity to boost my score to a 9.5 with the international arsehole appreciation society. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a slick of mascara and a healthy obsession with face potions, but that’s quite enough for us ladies to be getting on with. We don’t need to add expensive invasive (and often irreversible) surgery to the list.

2. There’s no guarantee it’s safe

If someone told you to undergo a completely unnecessary surgery to paint your lungs ‘a sexy shade of magenta’, you’d laugh in their face. What if I die on the operating table? Why would I subject myself to an anaesthetic when there’s nothing wrong with my health? Cosmetic surgery is no different. Glamourised by satin skinned beauties who think cellulite is a cocktail, the shiny adverts lurking at the back of magazines fail to address the risks. “Hey, get a boob job. Your fake jugs could rupture and destroy your lymphatic system leaving you in permanent pain,” said no commercial ever. But whether it’s a gastric band or ‘bum boost like J Lo’, mental and physical complications can occur before, during or long after your slice and dice. Just ask the women involved in the PIP implant scandal if you don’t believe me.

Yeah she looked really bangable but her nipples were too big, I overheard one delightful gent remark to his friend recently

3. Men worth having don’t monitor your imperfections

Though we can safely assume no man’s testicles are worthy of display in the Louvre, it doesn’t stop a selection of FHM masturbating pond dwellers from providing a critical analysis of women’s bodies. “Yeah she looked really bangable but her nipples were too big,” I overheard one delightful gent remark to his friend recently. Despite the fact his own looks were more ‘Quasimodo gets repeatedly battered with the obesity stick’ than Amazonian sex god, he was unrelenting in his areola assassination.

Rest assured ladies, even if your body were an air brushed replica of a Barbie doll, sexy time with one of these dribbling cretins would be as enjoyable as that anal bleaching session. Because the kind of bonking worthy of headboard rattling screams is about chemistry and respect. Neither of which can be measured by the size of your breasts, thighs, or that extra half inch of pie appreciation podge around your tummy.

4. It’s all about the money

Some doctors do an outstanding job on reconstructive operations. Treating people who've suffered from cancer, genetic disorders or disfigurements, there's no doubt they offer a valuable service. But realistically, I suspect most private cosmetic surgeons are motivated by those big fat shiny pound signs. A doctor who agrees your A cup breasts ‘could definitely use a boost’ isn’t thinking ‘ wow, what freakish boobs. I’m going to heal her with my magical powers’. They’re processing that £5,000 cheque and singing ‘Oh I’m going to the Maldives! Oh, back to the islands!’ So before you toddle off to your surgeon boldly brandishing your credit card, ask for the honest opinions of friends, family and non profit making GPs. If they fail to notice these ‘defects’ you’ve observed, chances are you’re a perfectly normal human being with a few minor imperfections. I suggest you celebrate the fact that you aren’t a cartoon character with a large G&T.