Water leaks: Middle-class problems

Living in a wet country, it is inevitable that leaks will happen

A main water burst (London Fire Brigade)

This is not, resolutely not, about whether to drink San Pellegrino or tap. It's not about coconut water, either. It's not even about feeling guilty for leaving the tap running while brushing your teeth when there are millions in the world who'd look at you with understandable thirst and disdain for doing so.

No, this is the kind of water that runs through your home. Through it, over it, behind and into the walls, seep, seep, seep, yellow, brown, mould, mildew.

Living in a wet country as we do, and in houses built hundreds of years ago, as per the middle-class dream (Oh, original features! How darling!), it is inevitable that leaks will happen.

No bother: call the plumber. We did just that, calling on a nationally recognised company when we had water rising through our carpet in front of the hot-water tank. He insisted on going up to the roof, despite the lack of water marks on the ceiling, and charged us £300 for the pleasure. The damp remained. Turned out it was the pump – as we found out from a friendly local plumber.

A month later, a ghost-shaped patch on our downstairs ceiling. Local plumber returned, picked up the floorboards and declared it sawdust-dry and bamboozling. Wraith-like, indeed…

As for the roof, which is now leaking, we've had four experts over so far, mooting solutions ranging from £20 to £1,200. One said it was our brickwork, not our roof, which needed to be filled with an expanding plaster; another said that would make the bricks explode. Oh, the joys of home ownership…