The ballad of Charles and Nigella
It ended not with a kiss but a throttle
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This is the ballad of Charles and Nigella
A tale of which you’ll doubtless know lots
About the cook, her lover, the sisters, her brother
And how it all ended at Scott’s
It was a match made in Daily Mail heaven
The ad man with a reputation so grand
And the celebrity cook, with a best-selling book
And some mustard always at hand
But this Christmas time, will you please spare a thought
For the goddess and her husband reclusive
Their relationship smashed, and her character trashed
By another purported exclusive
On pages one to eleven, with pictures,
She’s been vilified and judged just for fun
Though she was not the accused, she was freely abused
While the defendants went off to The Sun
It seems like a pantomime made for our age
Maybe a modern day Cinderella
With the sisters larging it, spending and charging it
But it’s no joke if you are Nigella
I’ve tried it six times, she said of cocaine
And her drug use caused quite a furore
Take a saucepan, then a frying pan, then temazepam
We were told that’s the menu du jour
It seems difficult to believe that Ms Lawson
On the telly a visual delight
Yet portrayed as a junkie on the word of a flunky
Could have envisaged a dirtier fight
Team Saatchi were hiding in the shadows
Their brief against his once-adored wife
To the papers they’d speak, and a story would leak
Of the sham of their married life
When love turns sour, it’s a nightmarish scene
And both parties here were aggrieved
The battle was fought in an Isleworth court
And we don’t know who can be believed
But one thing’s for sure when the private turns public
No one emerges intact
When things get bitter, it’s all over Twitter
Where rumour’s presented as fact
It’s a right bloody battle that she’s been through
But Nigella has not lost the war
She’s taken some knocks, but she’s back on the box
With a new series on Channel 4.
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