London Fashion Week without trends! Can you imagine the horror?

The only person not bothered by the absence of trends was Alexa Chung because, as she put it: “I am my own trend.”

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If you ask me, now London Fashion Week has been and gone, I am ready to distil all the trends, having put them through my trend distillery, which is situated at the bottom of my garden.

The distillery was an expensive investment initially, has proved quite costly to maintain and makes quite a racket when it gets going, but works pretty well most of the time.

Well, I say that, but it did famously break down during the Autumn/Winter season in 2009, which led to a complete absence of trends for several hours and a hysterical Alexandra Shulman, editor of Vogue, on the end of my phone. “I must have trends!” she shouted down the line. She even got quite existential about it. “Without trends, what is Vogue? What, what, what? Without trends, who am I? Who? Who? Who?”

I told her to just say anything. Listen, love, I said, just say “fur” or “sequins” or “florals are going to be even more florally” and you’ll get away with it, as the public doesn’t know any better and doesn’t give a stuff anyhow. Catwalk fashion is so alien to the average person it might as well be happening on Mars and you might as well be some mad, extra-terrestrial overlord. But she would not be placated.

“The world has to have trends,” she sobbed, “just as newspapers and magazines must put aside acres of space to devote to them. It’s the law.” The only person not bothered by the absence of trends between 3pm and 10pm that day was Alexa Chung because, as she put it: “I am my own trend.” And as she added: “I invented navy. And pockets.”

Of course, my distillery had broken down just days after the warranty expired – isn’t this always the way? – and it cost me quite a bit to get it going again. The heat exchanger was clogged up with all the crap that’s been put through it over the years, particularly over-sized sunglasses which, the engineer told me, “choke everything up, on top of looking mighty dumb”. Alexandra was thrilled when it was repaired. “Thank God!” she exclaimed. “I can’t tell you what the last few hours have been like. I was so adrift I nearly bought a puffer jacket from Uniqlo. Imagine!” As for Alexa, she was as nonchalant as ever, and would only say: “I also invented green. And pants.”

So, anyway, now we are up and running, back to this season’s trends, which are? Damn, damn, damn, I’ve run out of space. Tell you what, just look up last season’s. They’ll make about as much sense, and difference, to your life.