My So-called Life: I can see it in the stars. No, really

Here, at last, my zodiac predictions for 2005. Yes, I am a fully qualified astrologer, having successfully completed an exhaustingly long period of absolutely no training whatsoever while wearing a scarf tied psychically under my chin, which is what this exact and demanding science demands. My own interest in horoscopes was sparked some years ago when I had my chart done by an astrologer who told me I'd be married by the time I was 25, even though I was 27 at the time and had provided her with my full birth-date details. "Wow," I said. "So this isn't a load of claptrap for weak-minded loonies after all."

Here, at last, my zodiac predictions for 2005. Yes, I am a fully qualified astrologer, having successfully completed an exhaustingly long period of absolutely no training whatsoever while wearing a scarf tied psychically under my chin, which is what this exact and demanding science demands. My own interest in horoscopes was sparked some years ago when I had my chart done by an astrologer who told me I'd be married by the time I was 25, even though I was 27 at the time and had provided her with my full birth-date details. "Wow," I said. "So this isn't a load of claptrap for weak-minded loonies after all."

So here I am, with your horoscope for the year ahead, although I should say that I might not be able to complete all the signs as I have Jupiter circling my Venus, which is most distracting, as anyone who has ever had Jupiter circling their Venus will know. He won't take "no" for an answer, will he? It's harassment, really. I can also interpret tarot cards but would not recommend them as an especially good read, as there is no beginning, middle and end, and so lack any narrative tension. Instead, I would recommend Hello!, Heat and my own How to Tie that Scarf Psychically, which comes with a free scarf dispatched directly to you after you have called my premium horoscope phoneline at no cost to yourself beyond the astonishingly big bill. Here goes:

Aries, 21 Mar-19 Apr

(Charlotte Church; Olive from 'On The Buses'; my partner)

Having studied the charts for less than a minute a week last Wednesday, I can say with confidence that, on the whole, Arians tend to be singing stars, character actresses who are rather plain, or men who don't appreciate how good they've got it and have failed to realise that a bunch of flowers every now and then would be nice. The new Moon next month suggests something sparkly from Tiffany would be better, but flowers will do. Also, be warned that Saturn will feature heavily until the solstice, so it might be wise to get some extra food in, as Saturn has quite an appetite. Saturn particularly likes Cracker Barrel (mature) with either oatcakes or a crisp apple of any variety, apart from Russet. Lastly, this is a good year for unstacking dishwashers and changing lightbulbs without having to be asked 435 times. Repeated pleas, teamed with lack of flowers, can make the planets so cross they'll come down and stab you in the arse, especially if the Sun is in the ascendant and Uranus is temptingly on show. You could also try a great deal harder in bed, especially with Jupiter sniffing around and promising a new start in a country house with a horse and four acres.

Taurus, 20 Apr-20 May

(Carole Caplin; Four Marys; my son)

Neptune is due to enter into your life later in the year but, being famously enigmatic, may arrive in cloak and dark glasses. Neptune likes tea, two sugars, and maybe a bun. Mars will be a heavy, constant influence but not, alas, Twix, which is a shame, as most would choose a Twix over a Mars for its more biscuity nature. Life coaches who wear floaty white things will explode on 21 March at 4.10pm. There is nothing to be done about this, as Pluto is stubbornly on the cusp, so that's that. A quartet of girls who attend the same boarding school (what are the chances of that!) move from petty shoplifting to abducting the blind, orphaned, champion ice-skater (see Cancer) and, failing to attract a ransom, as is so often the case with orphans, they eat her instead. As for any Taurean pre-teen boy, chances are they eat Roses and stuff the wrappers down between the sofa cushions, lose their bus passes at a rate of 17 per week and refuse to kiss their mothers any more. "Stop it, mum." But I breast-fed you and everything, you ungrateful little bastard. "Oh, leave it out." This year will be a good year for Taureans, but only if they dispose of their sweet wrappers in the proper way and allow their mothers to show them some affection. Otherwise, she might turn up at the school gates and then rush to kiss her son in front of all his friends. This is because of Mercury going into its descendent, doing a somersault and the going into a foot-stamping sulk because Saturn gets all the Cracker Barrel and it really isn't fair.

Leo, 23 July-22 Aug

(Albert Einstein; Susan Sontag; Jean-Paul Sartre; Jonathan Miller; Richard Dawkins; Descartes; God; Doris Lessing; myself)

This is not the sign for shallow celebrities. Leos are heavy, noble thinkers, although that's not to say they wouldn't mind something from Tiffanys every know and then. Leos will sometimes find that they think so heavily they can scarcely get their head off the pillow, which is why they should be allowed to lie-in as long as they want without disturbance. Leos sometimes need light relief, which is why they read Hello! and Heat, and can't resist TopShop, even though they know they are too old and should be in Wallis. Einstein always felt this particularly keenly. Leos should be treasured, loved, adored and appreciated for the wonderful, faultless, sexy individuals they are. Leos can be fiery, but only when they light their fags on the cooker and set fire to their fringes. Then they are so fiery they can set off the smoke alarm. And do.

Libra, 23 Sept-22 Oct

(Linda Barker; Tina Beck; my brother)

An excellent year for Librans, with a planetary picture that's almost all favourable apart from Linda Barker falling on her big scissors and then being stoned to death by pebbles from one of her fireplaces, and Tina Beck (the blind, orphaned champion ice-skater) being eaten by the Four Marys, who are well out of order. But this is what happens when Mercury is in a sulk. Also, with Virgo in the ascendant and about to join a luxury gym, now is the time for older brothers to apologise to little sisters about the things he did to her when they were small. This may include writing "Arsenal" in laundry pen on her forehead when she was asleep and peeing on her in the bath, something he still boasts about. "I aimed from the hall." So, Librans, make amends now. Cash preferable but credit cards accepted.

Please call 0800 00988766 for the free scarf, which would come in a zodiac print unique to your sign if we hadn't opted for horseshoes all round. Calls cost £879 per minute. Expensive, but at least it isn't Justin Toper, who has really bad hair, and I am very good. I can even forecast that it's going to cost you a shocking amount, especially as each call takes no less than four hours.

d.ross@independent.co.uk