My So-called Life: How to be the woman every man wants

With a remake of The Stepford Wives due out this summer and a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (never nag; never have a career; never say no to sex) taking America by storm, I feel that the anti-feminist lobby is the one to belong to and, as such, have launched my own movement.

With a remake of The Stepford Wives due out this summer and a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (never nag; never have a career; never say no to sex) taking America by storm, I feel that the anti-feminist lobby is the one to belong to and, as such, have launched my own movement. This is the Feminot Movement - feminist? I think NOT! - and I have already produced the first tentative blueprint-come-manifesto for anyone who can keep out the hairdresser's long enough to be interested.

Election of President

This is, of course, crucial and, as such, I have already taken the liberty of placing a classified in The Guardian:

"Could you lead the Feminot Movement? The Feminots, the UK's main organisation devoted to taking the women's movement back by at least 50 years, requires a president. The president will be responsible for communicating with the media on subjects as diverse as leg waxing versus shaving, the art of dry-skin brushing and the role of accessorising in post-war Iraq. The president must always have something jolly to say to her husband when he comes home from the office no matter how knackered she might be herself or that he promised to pick the kids up but forgot and now they are crying their little hearts out in the school secretary's office. The president will always wait for a man to open a door for her, even if it means crouching on her own doorstep until 6am when the milkman arrives and kindly agrees to twist the key in the lock and say: "After you, lovely lady." In an ideal world, he will also wink and pinch her bottom. The president must be prepared to wear Gina wedges and hot pants at all times and maybe something a little Hermès around the neck. (Ugg boots are acceptable during the winter months). All applications would be treated in absolute confidence if only we weren't such hopeless gossips and our minds hadn't been turned to mush by watching too much Lorraine Kelly on daytime TV."

I have also put out a few feelers. I have approached Germaine Greer who, while flattered to be asked, said her schedule is such she felt she could not commit to coming round to play hair and face-packs as often as we might like. I wonder, how do we feel about Polly Toynbee? I do think she has extraordinary integrity and that she would be a great asset, but could we trust her if closely questioned on jolly things to say to a husband when he comes home tired from the office? I don't believe it would take much for her to start invoking prisoners' rights or, perhaps, to start asking just how the contracts for accessorising in post-war Iraq are being awarded. (Did Accessorize orchestrate the whole thing just so it could start selling hair bobbles to the Muslim world?) I have, in turn, been contacted by an It-Girl who would dearly love the position, and may be appropriate, not least because the word is she has dry-brushed her brain almost to oblivion, which is just what we want.

Protest

We agree to never tie ourselves to railings, as it not only ruins the line of a skirt but gives you nothing jolly to say to your husband should he ask you how your day went, which is unlikely, I admit. Hunger strikes are all very well but do bear in mind that if you skip a wholesome breakfast there is every chance you will succumb to an iced-bun come elevenses and, as you are no-doubt aware, The Feminot Diet (£56.99, from your housekeeping money) prohibits iced buns at elevenses because they are calorific and promote cellulite. Fat is certainly a feminot Issue ( Fat is Certainly a Feminot Issue, The Man's Press, £76, from your pin money as CEO of BA) as you don't want to look crap in a bikini come the summer. We do not encourage throwing ourselves under horses, which is a ridiculous way to carry on, particularly at Ascot, where you will have failed in your duty to merely look nice in a big flowery hat. Do throw yourself at the cosmetics counter by all means, especially if they've got one of those special offers whereby if you buy two skincare products for £496 you get a silly bag with bit of blusher in it that isn't enough to highlight the cheekbones on your hamster. Never stage any kind of protest in front of your husband, and certainly never protest about him not taking the rubbish out even though he promised he would. This is not jolly. This is tiresome. And he may well punch you in the mouth which means you'll have to apply your lipstick all over again.

Career

As a feminot you must promise to never enter the workplace, even if a man offers to open the door for you. Just say 'no.' Say it politely - "it is kind of you to open the door for me, even though as a lady it is only my due etc".Instead, you must stay at home going quietly mental while the kids bore the arse off you and your husband works hard at the office having business lunches and talking to people who are not small toddlers and do not want to do potato-printing and do not shout down the stairs: "I've done a poo. Wipe, mummy, wipe! No. No. Wait! There's another one coming...s'alright. I can do it myself. Quick, quick, it's all down my leg." No job can be considered, not even the Daily Mirror editorship, which I accept is tempting if only to ensure that the paper continues with it's Pride of Britain Awards; the awards which are about you, real people, and not celebrities, which is why we keep cutting from the four-year-old who saved his mum from a diabetic coma to someone from EastEnders via Davina McCall and Carol Smillie.

Suggested Reading

The Daily Mail, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, the Daily Mail, The Surrendered Wife, the Daily Mail and Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, the seminal feminot work based almost entirely on the premise that "generally speaking, when a woman offers a man unsolicited advice she has no idea how unloving she sounds to him" (page 21). This is invariably true, as any woman who has ever told her husband that he's missed the turning and maybe he should do a U-turn knows. "Do you know how unloving that unsolicited advice sounds to me? Now, out the car. Out, out, out." This might be a good time to offer sex.

d.ross@independent.co.uk