What will Santa take away on Post-Christmas Day?

'Amusing new version of the Bible translated into text messages: Blssd R the Mk 4 thy shll inhrt the 0'

Before Christmas there is a frenzy of gift-buying, wrapping and giving. Unfortunately, during Christmas there is a nationwide intake of breath as we remove the wrapping paper and find that we have been given presents that we don't really need. Or things that we hate. Or things that we do like, but we've got three of them already. Or something that we almost like, but it's in quite the wrong colour...

Before Christmas there is a frenzy of gift-buying, wrapping and giving. Unfortunately, during Christmas there is a nationwide intake of breath as we remove the wrapping paper and find that we have been given presents that we don't really need. Or things that we hate. Or things that we do like, but we've got three of them already. Or something that we almost like, but it's in quite the wrong colour...

Well, you may remember that before Christmas I suggested that, some time after the festive period, readers might like to use this column as a clearing house for unwelcome gifts that would find a better home elsewhere.

You have not let me down. The response was heart-warmingly huge.

So now here it is! The first-ever Post-Christmas Bazaar. Thousands of bargains at rock-bottom prices! All given away last Christmas and guaranteed untouched and unused!

BIG BLACK TORCH. Satisfyingly large. Would no doubt work perfectly if access point could be found for inserting batteries. Hundreds available.

BOOKER PRIZE RUNNER-UP. Novel that was runner-up in Booker prize competition. Unread.

VIRGIN DIARIES. Thousands of AD 2001 diaries given but never started. Ideal for people who haven't done anything in January or February but intend to make up for it by having a very active next 10 months.

CANDLESTICKS. Guaranteed to keep candles leaning at a jaunty angle and not boringly vertical. All shapes and sizes.

BODY SHOP GIFT PACK. Containing one lump of quite nice coloured soap, one tiny jar of something to add to the bath, one bottle of essence of fruit you have never heard of, one sachet of something else, one flask of something called something like skin toner and something that sounds like a fruit salad but is probably just a shampoo.

CORKSCREW. So clever that it extracts over 50 per cent of the corks now used in wine bottles, except, of course, those black plastic things that are now replacing corks.

WORMWORLD KIT. Containing all that you need for studying worms going about their daily routine (except for the worms themselves).

PAIRS OF PYJAMAS. With legs not quite as long as you might expect them to be.

ANOTHER BOOKER PRIZE

RUNNER-UP. Another Booker prize runner-up. All copies unread.

WOMEN'S SHIRTS. Rather more see-through than one might have expected them to be.

TOOL KIT. All the tools that you will ever need for such key DIY skills as bevelling and chamfering.

RECTANGLE OF CLOTH. Not quite long enough to be a scarf and not quite short enough to be a hand-towel.

JUGS. Which amusingly have bases that are not quite level.

MUGS. With name "Isobel" painted on, given to someone who spells her name "Isabel" - or "Clare" for a Claire, "Katie" for a Katy and so on.

TEA-CLOTHS. Which spell out detailed recipes for dishes that nobody in that particular household would ever want to cook, especially not from atea-cloth.

CARVED ANIMALS. In black wood, artistically done in the Republic of South Africa, though not so artistically that one can actually tell what animals they are meant to be.

LIQUEUR BOTTLES. Containing liqueurs that must have seemed a good idea while on holiday.

MOBILE-PHONE HOLDERS. In all conceivable shapes, sizes and colours.

SPECTACLE CASES. In all conceivable etc etc.

CALENDARS. Which are still in their wrappings and boast 12 pictures of steam engines. Or Monet's garden. Or Hopper's America. Or British cathedrals. Or lighthouses. Or... you name it, we've got it.

THE BOOK. Of the television cookery show (any television cookery show).

WHOLE STILTON CHEESE. As new, or rather as old.

NOVEL. Novel that wasn't Booker prize runner-up.

TXT MSG BIBL. Amusing new version of the Bible translated entirely into text messages. "Blssd R the Mk, 4 thy shll inhrt the 0," and so on.

Quantities of all the above available. Send a stamped addressed envelope for the complete catalogue andprice list!