Too many cooks

'All you do is write down what you want to say in normal English and tell the computer to translate it into the style of your chosen writer'

I have just been introduced to the most amazing piece of computer software.

A piece of software that will revolutionise the art of writing.

Why?

Because it can rewrite your prose in any style you care to choose.

All you have to do is write down what you want to say in normal, unremarkable English and then instruct the computer to translate it into the style of your chosen writer.

Don't believe me?

Let me demonstrate for you.

The introductory demo disk for this revolutionary program, which is called StylePak, undertakes to turn any small paragraph into the equivalent passage of prose by a famous person called Cook. Why they have chosen Cook for their demo, I do not know. But I have tried the program, and it works. To prove it, I am going to try it again now. Here is a passage of prose that we all know – or that, if we do not know, we should.

"It was a dark and stormy night, and there were three robbers in a cave, and one of them said, 'Dick, tell us a story!' So Dick began: 'It was a dark and stormy night... '"

And the whole thing goes round and round again and again. I'm sure you know it. Well, you do now.

So it remains for me only to activate the program and translate that little scenario into Cook talk. Here we go...

In the style of ROBIN COOK

"I have repeatedly told the House, and I am prepared to tell it again, that the sitting of the House will continue into the night until such time as a vote has been taken on the Cave and Robbery Bill. I am very sorry if it is late. I am very sorry if it is inclement outside. But the Honourable Members know me well enough by now to realise that when I say that we shall prolong this sitting, that is exactly what I mean, and if I have to say it again, then I am perfectly prepared... "

In the style of ROGER COOK

"I am standing outside the cave where we believe the trio of so-called businessmen reside who, on the available evidence, may be responsible for the mass transit of drink and cigarettes on which no duty has been paid. One of them is called Dick. We do not know the others' names. The cave is not registered as a business premises, and no rates have ever been paid on it. There are people inside the cave because even in this bad weather we can hear them talking, so, violence or no violence, I am going to go in and ask to hear their story... "

In the style of CAPTAIN COOK

"3 July 1774. Made landfall this evening in most inclement weather – v dark and blowing a storm. Landed a small boat and sent three men out to spy the land. They returned an hour later, much alarmed. They reported they had seen lights in a cave and had approached it, when they did hear talking and laughing and swearing, in the English language, which much frighted them. I made light of their fear, saying it might only be a small handful of marooned pirates, and sent another, braver band of men. They did not return until dawn, most intoxicated, saying they had met the three men in the cave and a merry crew they were, too, who had invited them into the cave, where they stayed, drinking and telling yarns, until the sun rose."

In the style of ALISTAIR COOKE

"Good morning. You know, the image we have of Osama bin Laden, the man who almost certainly was behind 11 September, is that of a bearded man in a cave, with a couple of companions, a Koran and a few guns. That is the image we see on our screens and the one that he seeks to promote. Yet how can we juxtapose that image with the devilish sophistication needed to mastermind the destruction of the World Trade Centre? Is bin Laden a ragged, fleeing bandit? Or is he an evil genius worthy of a place in a James Bond novel? Can one man be both? Well, in this connection my mind goes back some 30, maybe 40 years, to a cave in West Virginia, or maybe Carolina, where I once heard a story from a man called Tom, or it may have been Dick, or it could be Harry... "

In the style of THOMAS COOK

"Long weekend in Nepalese hills. Spacious cave accommodation. Suit three men. Self-catering. £1,500 each."

That's StylePak. Impressive, n'est-ce pas? If you're interested, send me a signed blank cheque and leave the rest to me.