Saddam goes to Hollywood

'These days, war and film go together. You have a war, you get war films. When people get peace, they don't make peace films'

I was up in London the other day to go to a memorial service (very cheerful affairs usually, as everyone there is so glad to be alive), when who should I bump into hurrying along Piccadilly but my old friend Adrian Wardour-Street, the top PR man.

"Adrian!" I cried. "Adrian!"

Adrian got a phone out of his pocket and said into it: "Hello?"

"Put it away," I said. "I'm here in real life. Talking to you in person."

"So you are!" said Adrian. "How extraordinary. But a wonderful excuse for a cup of coffee. Let's go in here."

He took me into a coffee house quaintly entitled Not Starbucks and gave me a thimble of brown stuff.

"So, what's new?" I said.

"This Must Not Go Beyond Your Column," said Adrian, "but I have got mixed up in the War Against Iraq."

"Is there one?" I said.

"Is there one!" he chortled. "I like that! Of course there's a war against Iraq! Or there's going to be. It hasn't gone into production yet, that's all."

"Gone into production?" I said, startled. "You make it sound as if it were a film."

"Oh, it is," said Adrian. "These days, war and film go together. You have a war, you get films. They're called war films. When people get peace, they don't make peace films. People don't make films about the 1918-1939 Peace. Name me one film about the 1918-1939 Peace."

I couldn't, so I said nothing.

"Nowadays, war and film are becoming so much the same thing that the war against Iraq is the first one ever that will have all the film rights sewn up before they start fighting. That's why they haven't started. Haven't got the casting finished yet."

"The what?"

"The White House and Hollywood have to agree all the casting before the war starts. They have to agree the finance. They have to agree the story..."

"I don't believe it!" I said. "Surely if Bush decides on a war, he will leave it to the forces to decide how it will be fought?"

"Up to a point. But you see, the White House and the army have had their fingers burnt too often before. They've fought a long war like Vietnam or Korea, then the film people have come along and made a fortune out of the war that the armed forces mounted at their own expense, and the services don't see a cent out of it. So of course the administration is now waking up to the fact that they have to get the rights sorted out first, before a shot is fired."

"Right..."

"And in return, Hollywood is beginning to learn to ask for some say in how the war story unfolds."

"Right."

"And the love interest."

"The what?"

"Every war film has to have some love interest," explained Adrian patiently, "so from now on every war has to, as well. And it turns out that Saddam Hussein has a niece who has secretly fallen in love with one of the US weapons inspectors, and they're desperately in love, but Saddam has found out and he is furious, and that is the real reason why he is banning the weapons inspectorate, so the weapons inspector has disguised himself, but he is actually inside Iraq when the war starts..."

"STOP IT!" I begged. "You can't be serious!"

Adrian shrugged.

"Have it your own way."

"Anyway, Adrian, how have you got involved in this? You haven't got any clients in Hollywood or the White House, have you?"

"No. Actually, I'm representing the other side."

"The other side?"

"Sure. Iraq has a film industry, too, you know. They want to tie up their film rights as well. And they want to get royalties from the American films that come out of the war."

"You're joking?"

"Never more serious. It takes two countries to make a war. Can't film the war against Iraq without the co-operation of Iraq. Iraq should get a cut. And Iraq has a trump card."

"What's that?"

"If Iraq doesn't get a proper deal in the film rights bargaining session, then Iraq will scupper the deal."

"By surrendering straightaway?"

"Maybe. Or by doing lots of things that aren't in the script. Like bombing Israel, maybe."

Just then his phone rang.

"Saddam, baby! How are you keeping? Sure, sure, no problem. They're quite happy about the script revisions. One other problem, though. They still want Burt Reynolds to play you. Yes, I know, I know..."

I left him to it.