Miles Kington: The Pope is lovely, wish his wife weren't here

'They are two years ahead of us with "Frasier" here. I know because last night they had Frasier's funeral'

Yesterday I tried to lay down the basic rules for writing holiday postcards, and I told you how to write the all-important first sentence.

Yes, but how do you fill up the rest of the postcard, you may well ask.

Nothing easier!

Here is a selection of phrases that you can copy out and mix and match together in any order on your postcard back home.

I am not saying that they will make perfect sense.

I am only saying that they will make as much sense as any postcard written the traditional way ­ ie with a lot of frowning and cursing, when you would much rather be on the beach.

"We have spent every day of the holiday so far on the beach/in the sea/in the Prado/on the loo."

"We met an acupuncturist from Poole."

"The food is lovely but cold at night."

"They put wild flowers in the salad over here."

"Yesterday we hired bicycles."

"At least, we thought we'd hired them."

"It turns out we bought the bicycles."

"We have spent every evening so far in the bar/in the disco/playing bridge/on the loo."

"The bike shop says they will buy the bicycles back at the end of our stay."

"At half price."

"You will never guess who is staying at the same hotel as us..."

"The Pope!"

"Nobody's recognised him except me."

"This morning I said hello, and asked him if he was the Pope, and he smiled and winked."

"Friends is on TV, but called Amigos."

"The acupuncturist from Poole said he wished he had got a bicycle."

"I said he could have mine if he liked, as I am now saddle sore."

"I sold him my bicycle ­ full price!"

"They do not have a hot breakfast like us in this country."

"They have a cold breakfast."

"Cold bacon, cold sausages, cold eggs and cold tea!"

"They are two years ahead of us with Frasier here. "

"I know that, because on last night's episode they had Frasier's funeral."

"I asked the Pope who looked after the shop in Rome while he was on his hols."

"He said that after 2,000 years, the Vatican practically ran itself."

"Did I turn the bathroom light off?"

"They had El Diario de Bridget Jones on at the local fleapit last night, so we went, but it was all in Spanish, so we asked for our money back."

"The acupuncturist from Poole said he thought it was better in Spanish."

"I hate people who knock their own country when abroad."

"It turns out we did, in fact, just hire the bikes, so I shouldn't have sold mine."

"So now I will have to buy mine back from the acupuncturist from Poole."

"The Pope has been joined on holiday by his wife, which is a bit odd."

"I told the Pope I didn't think Popes got married, and he smiled and winked."

"We went on a coach trip to a town with lots of shops, and when we had spent all our money they brought us back."

"The acupuncturist has apparently sold the bike to the Pope. Oh dear."

"I asked the Pope for my bike back. He said a rude word. I am wondering, not for the first time, if he is up to the job."