Miles Kington: How to steal from a busker, and other matters of etiquette
What is the correct procedure if someone's making lots of mobile calls on a train and talking very loudly? Go and stare at them from very close to
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Your support makes all the difference.It is nice to see etiquette back on the agenda, but it was about time it was modernised, and applied to the real world. In the year 2006, not many people need to be told how to behave at a country house party or a formal banquet, or how to address a bishop.
So today I am introducing what I believe is an entirely new feature to modern journalism: an advice column dealing with the workings of old-fashioned etiquette in the most up-to-date of situations.
Q. The other night, me and a couple of mates were approaching a late-night reveller with a view to relieving him of his wallet and mobile, when we noticed a couple of guys coming the other way who seemed to have the same idea.
Who takes precedence in this kind of situation? Is it first come first served, or what?
A. The correct thing to do is to wait till the other guys have mugged the victim, then to mug them. You may pick up some previous booty as well.
Q. Is it all right to take money out of a busker's hat to show you hate what they are playing?
A. No. Unless it is Andean pipe music.
Q. What is the correct procedure to adopt if someone is using a mobile phone on a train, and they are making lots of calls and speaking very loudly?
A. The correct thing to do is to go and stare at them from very close to. If that doesn't work, get out a tape machine and pretend to be recording their conversation. If all else fails, talk as loudly as they are, so they can't hear themselves speak.
Q. Sorry, I didn't express myself very clearly. What I meant to say was, what if I myself am making lots of calls on a mobile phone in the train, and I am speaking very loudly, and someone comes up and objects to my behaviour? What is the correct procedure then?
A. Right, I'm with you! The correct procedure in that case is to stand up, move towards the complainant, clasp them by both shoulders, draw them close to you and say, breathing malodorously straight into their face: "You got a problem with that, mate?" You would be surprised how seldom they actually do turn out to have a problem with that.
Q. What if you are having a conversation and someone starts uttering libellous remarks about someone famous? I am thinking specifically of what a bloke was saying in the pub last night about Sven Goran Eriksson. He was saying that Sven's team selections for England would not be any different if he were deliberately trying to lose. If someone was paying Sven to lose, what Sven would do would be to go to Germany with no goal-scorers, except those who were injured or too tall, or too young, and that if anyone showed signs of flair up front, he would send him straight home to England, which is exactly what he has done. Isn't that libellous?
A. No. No comment made in any conversation about football has ever been prosecuted for libel. That is because it is slander. In this case, justifiable slander.
Q. I am told that people used to shake hands in the old days to show they were not carrying a knife. But what about the other hand? How would they know that there wasn't a knife in the other hand?
A. You are absolutely right. That is why the double handshake is coming back in.
Q. But even if you are doing a double handshake, what is to prevent you using your feet to incapacitate the other bloke? Or him doing it to you?
A. Well, keeping your knees together, I should say.
Q. What about if you are sharing an arm rest with a stranger, like on a plane, and the other person has taken all the arm rest, what should you do?
A. Hot coffee is very good.
Q. Is it incorrect to open a bottle with your teeth?
A. Yes, if it has a cork.
Q. I have been offered a title by the Government. What should I do?
A. Pay in cash, but make sure you ask for a receipt.
Our Tough Etiquette Corner will be back soon.
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