Miles Kington: Don't diss our bun, or you'll get done

One of the longest-running trials in British history is Macdonalds v McDonald's, in which over a hundred people called Macdonald are urging the court to force McDonald's, the fast food people, to change their name to something else and thus safeguard the grand old Scottish name of Macdonald. There were further developments in the case yesterday, as this extract shows...

Counsel: M'lord, I would like to call another witness to testify to the distress caused by McDonald's.

Judge: Not another Macdonald, by any chance? I seem to have seen almost everyone in the world called Macdonald pass through this court.

Counsel: Yes. Well, except Lord "Gus" Macdonald, of course.

Judge: Yes. And the newsreader Trevor MacDonald.

Counsel: Both of whom I hope to get as witnesses in this case.

Judge: God save us. Well, carry on.

Counsel: Call Miss Smith! The witness, Smith, is called. Now, your name is Smith, is it not?

Witness: It is.

Counsel: Has it always been Smith?

Witness: No.

Counsel: You changed your name to Smith?

Witness: Yes, I did.

Counsel: It is very unusual for a woman to change her name, is it not?

Witness: Yes. Unless she gets married of course.

Judge: Come along, come along! We are all longing to know what the witness was called before she changed her name!

Counsel: What were you called before you changed your name to Smith?

Witness: Macdonald.

Judge: Well, there's a surprise!

Counsel: And why did you change your name?

Witness: I was setting up a small catering business from home, and everybody warned me that if I called it Macdonald's Foods, people would simply assume that I was a purveyor of bland, boring, standardised, bulk-standard food.

Counsel: Now, why on earth would they say that?

Man in Public Gallery: Be very careful before you answer that!!

Judge: Who said that??

Man: I did! I represent the most feared body of men in the legal world ­ McDonald's lawyers! At the first sign of an insult to our client, we move faster with writ and injunction than Superman! "Don't diss our bun, /or you'll get done!" ­ that's our motto!

Judge: Not in my court it isn't. Any more from you, sir, and you will be ruthlessly ejected. Now, carry on.

Witness: Well, in my small catering firm everything is hand-made from our own recipes, which is the opposite of everything that McDonald's stands for. So I decided to change my name to a neutral name like Smith.

Counsel: And your firm is now called Smith's Foods?

Witness: No. It is called Perfect Foods.

Counsel: Why not Smith's Foods?

Witness: I found that too many people also associated the name Smith with standardisation and predictability.

Counsel: Why on earth would they do that?

Witness: Well, partly because of Smith's Crisps, partly because of the dreary ubiquity of branches of WH Smith...

Second Man in Public Gallery: I would very seriously caution you not to continue with this libel!

Judge: And who are you?

Second Man: I am the leader of the feared WH Smith Fast Reaction Legal Strike Force! One hint of criticism of our great bookshop chain, and we are ruthlessly on the case! "Nobody messes with/ WH Smith" ­ that's our motto!

Judge: And a crass motto it is, too. One more word out of you, my bully boy, and you're out! Now, Miss Smith...

Counsel: As a matter of interest, is there any record of a person called Smith changing his name?

Witness: Yes. The original W H Smith. He changed his name.

Counsel: To what?

Witness: To Lord Hambleden.

Sensation in court.

Judge: I think this would be a good moment at which to adjourn, while we all go and look Mr Smith up in our biographical dictionaries.

More of this fascinating trial tomorrow, including an appearance in the witness stand of an aggrieved Mr McNugget.