Men with burgers and chips on their shoulders

'There is nobody called Mr Burger-King whose life has been ruined. But what of us Mcdonalds'

There is a case going on at the moment in which Mcdonald's is being sued by various members of the public who claim to have been scalded by tea and coffee. This has distracted attention from another even more damaging case in which Mcdonald's is being sued by people who are trying to get the burger chain to change its name from Mcdonald's to something else... Perhaps this brief extract from the case will give a clearer idea of what is at stake. Counsel: Next witness, please. And your name is..?

There is a case going on at the moment in which Mcdonald's is being sued by various members of the public who claim to have been scalded by tea and coffee. This has distracted attention from another even more damaging case in which Mcdonald's is being sued by people who are trying to get the burger chain to change its name from Mcdonald's to something else... Perhaps this brief extract from the case will give a clearer idea of what is at stake. Counsel: Next witness, please. And your name is..?

Witness: Mcdonald.

Judge: Just a minute, if you please. I can't help noticing that all the witnesses so far have been called Mcdonald. That is rather a remarkable coincidence.

Counsel: Not exactly, my Lord. The case is being brought by a bunch of people who are all called Mcdonald and who claim that their life has been made a misery by their name being used by an American purveyor of fast food.

Judge: I see. Will all your witnesses be called Mcdonald?

Counsel: No, my lord. I intend to call among others Mr Alastair Campbell, the Prime Minister's spokesman.

Judge: Campbell? Campbell? Don't tell me he objects to having Campbell's Tomato Soup named after him!

Counsel: No, my Lord. I intend to find out if the Campbells and theMcdonalds now make common cause and are prepared to bury the hatchet after the massacre of Glencoe.

Judge: Good Lord. Has the Scottish football season started again already?

Counsel: I believe it has, my Lord.

Judge: Then we should all be very careful. Carry on with your witness.

Counsel: Your name is Mcdonald?

Witness: It is. Ronald Mcdonald.

Counsel: Not the same as the clown figure dreamt up by..?

Witness: Yes, I am afraid so.

Counsel: May I offer my condolences?

Witness: You may, although it is far too late. Why oh why did Mcdonald's have to call itself Mcdonald's and thus blight an entire surname?Burger King never made this mistake. There is nobody called Mr Burger-King whose life has been ruined. There is, I hazard, no Mr Wimpy who had to change his name, and probably no Colonel Sanders who had to do likewise. But what of all us Mcdonalds whose lives have already been ruined by association with the yellow-and-red arch? My life has already been ruined. My footsteps are symbolically dogged by greasy litter bearing the name Mcdonald's. My nostrils are filled with the smell of instant charring and grilling in cheap cooking fat...

Man In Public Gallery: Watch it!

Judge: Who said that?

Man in Public Gallery: I did! I am a troubleshooter for Mcdonald's lawyers, the most feared bunch in the world, who spend all our time watching for possible libel cases, and I want to confirm, as you all know, that Mcdonald's does not use cheap cooking oil but only the finest ingredients, garnered throughout the world from hand-selected sources...

Judge: Get that man out of here!

The man is removed.

Thank you. I must warn the rest of you not to interrupt. I speak as a man who once ejected three lawyers defending the name "Champagne" from a court, and they don't come tougher than that.

Man In Public Gallery: Yes they do!

Judge: Who said that?

Man: I did! I am a lawyer representing the sanctity of the trade name Coca-Cola! If anyone writes "Coke" with a small c, as in "coke", I am right in there, guns blazing!

Judge: Then go and do it somewhere else! Remove him!

After a titanic struggle, he is ejected.

Now pray continue examining your witness, Mr Radish.

Counsel: Thank you, my Lord. Now, Mr Mcdonald, you object to the burger company sharing the same name as you, but you surely cannot maintain that a company should remain anonymous. It must have a name of some kind. Do you think a man called Macintosh should go to court simply because a raincoat is called a macintosh? Should a man called Burberry feel offended? Were a man to be called Mr Durex, should he..?

Man in Public Gallery: Excuse me! I represent the Durex Rubber Company...

Judge: This may be a good place for an adjournment.

More of this high-profile case follows tomorrow, unless the Mcdonald's gang gags me first...